Some Things Never Change

“Lou, tomorrow is promised to no man, I could walk out of the bar at this exact moment and get knocked by a car, left for dead on the street. I don’t make promises I can’t keep, and some things are just beyond our control.”

“You are right, I can’t force you to make that decision. I just have to trust you and believe that you will. Everyone has an appointment with death but that doesn’t mean you have to hasten the process.”

Wayne looked at his watch, speaking of appointments he had one to keep. He needed to wrap this conversation up fast. He was to link up with Dutty Bloodz in the next hour by the pound.

“I’m so glad we had this talk Lou. With you by my side I can leave it all behind.” He basked in the affection coming from Lou. Even though she had yet to say it, her eyes radiated with love for him. It pleased and unnerved him at the same time. “Don’t worry about me Lou, I will be fine.”

Lou stared backed at him with tears of love and admiration in her eyes. “I think it’s wonderful that you’re finally doing this.”

Wayne pulled her into a hug to reassure her then lightly kissed her forehead. He knew he felt more for her than she did for him. He knew that what he was about to do next would only break her heart. Would she be able to forgive him? He was intelligent, he could stay too steps ahead of her and let her be none the wiser. Just be smart about what he told her, going forward, the less she knew the better, until he finally cut all ties with the business. He had seen many of his friends spurned by women when they got pissed at them. He wasn’t about to be another statistic. Lou wasn’t the mean type but he didn’t want to put that to the test.

He felt selfish for wanting all her love and affection and not having anything to give of himself in return. Deep down he knew he lied to her about quitting the Dutty Bloodz so that she wouldn’t withhold s*x or leave him. He was the man, the provider, and her champion when in need. She should respect his decisions even if she didn’t agree with them. In a battle of wills between them he wanted to always come out the victor but at what cost. He would have to weigh the risks and see if it was truly worthy it. He floored the brakes and the car came to a screeching halt in the middle of the road.

The horror at his realization that he was in love with Lou marred him. He knew he wasn’t worthy of her. She deserved the best of everything. He wanted them to eventually get married, settle down and have a few kids. He was doing this for her, just one last round then he would call it all quits.

Lou looked at him as if he was crazy, she checked his vitals and asked him if he was alright. He said yes, not to worry, he saw a dog run cross the road and swerved to avoid it. She didn’t look like she believed him but she didn’t push the argument. They drove in complete silence to her home. He sped off the moment she got inside. He was a haunted man trying to outrace the guilty thoughts he wished to keep at bay.

Wayne needed someone to confide in and he trusted Lou to keep his secrets but he didn’t want her to get hurt. He didn’t want anyone to use her as a hostage to get to him. He had never before unburdened so much of himself to a woman before. His feelings for her were new and tender. He finally found someone he could share the daily aspects of his life with.

He didn’t like that he had basically lied to her, telling her that he would have nothing more to do with the business. She told him what she expected, nothing new, just get out of the business before it’s too late. He struggled with a guilty conscience. He knew drugs affected people differently. Some can have their first experience and come out unscathed, others were not so fortunate. He knew of many athletes who were all set to make it to the major leagues and after their first hit became mentally unstable or a slave to the drug and it ruined their career.

He shouldn’t feel guilty though, they had a choice, why beat himself up about it. He didn’t shove the drug down their throats. He couldn’t force them to buy. Indirectly he was not the one standing on some god forsaken street corner selling it. He should be praised, he did the community a service by providing work for those who could never make it in the rat race so that they could feed their families. It was a two edged sword someone benefited and someone lost out, isn’t that the way of life. Why was the drug dealer always seen in the harshest of light? They were human beings, they have wants and needs, bills to pay and families to feed. If you prick them, do they not bleed?

A lot of effort, thought and hard work went in to the business. He felt he should be amply rewarded for how diligently he marketed the business, so what if it was by illicit gains. Lou just sat there all self-righteous and cute telling him sh*t he already knew. He doubted that she even knew what hunger was. She just wanted him to walk away from all of that money like it was easy. The moment he stepped outside the crew, he was fair game, all his rivals would be coming for him unless he moved out of state or left the country.