You Make Me Whole

Chapter 2

“What the hell do I wear for a date with an accountant?” Ray tossed another dress onto the bed that she deemed too inappropriate to wear. Her wardrobe was now half empty, the other half of the contents already rejected as an option. She was trying to look for something sophisticated, but so far everything was either too glittery, too short, and she suspected just too fun for a date with Carter the accountant.

“How should I know?” Annabelle giggled as she sat on the edge of the bed, frantically tapping away on her phone. “That guy from last week is still messaging me all day. It’s getting kind of boring now. He sounds like a total weirdo.”

“Maybe if you stopped replying to his messages he would stop thinking it was worth it,” Ray suggested sarcastically, privately rolling her eyes. Annabelle craved attention more than anyone she knew, regardless of whether it was the good kind or not, she loved to have all eyes on her. Ray thought of herself as lucky to have never depended too much of her self esteem on her luck with men. Sure, it was always a bonus to have a guy come up to her and offer to buy her a drink, or to ask her for a dance, but at the end of the day as long as Ray had a good time with her friends, she always went home feeling happy about herself.

It didn’t mean that she didn’t hope for love in the same way every girl does. She knew how different it would be to start the day by waking up in someone’s arms, or for the last thing at night to be hearing the gentle whisper of “I love you” in her ear. Of course she wanted that, but under no circumstances was she willing to compromise who she was just to get it.

It was how things ended with her last boyfriend, Doug. He got jealous of Ray’s male friends always coming up to her in the club wanting a dance, or offering to buy her a drink. Ray knew it was harmless; she had been friends with the guys for years. Doug, however, couldn’t get past it. It drove him crazy, especially when he’d been drinking, which was how they spent most of their time together. He demanded that Ray become more distant with her male friends, and give him the satisfaction that he didn’t have anything to worry about.

It broke Ray’s heart when she ended things. Apart from his jealousy, Doug was the perfect guy for her. He loved to party, he treated her like a queen, and he certainly didn’t turn his nose up at any of Ray’s jobs. But after giving him a few chances to accept that she could have any friends that she wanted, she knew she had to cut him loose. She knew she had done the right thing, despite how much it hurt. She had spent too much of her life listening to people telling her what she should be doing, she couldn’t have a boyfriend who was unable to stop himself from being the same.

She knew a truly healthy relationship was about freedom, and the comfort in knowing that being yourself with your quirks and bad habits still wasn’t enough to dissuade the right person for being with you. It made her determined to not change herself. Everyone told her she needed to grow up, her parents in particular, but how could she find her perfect match if she didn’t act exactly like herself? Her parents only wanted to find the match for the Ray they wanted her to be. Of course they’d picked an accountant. They’d found someone mature, career-focused, and no-doubt allergic to fun in a helpless attempt to nudge their daughter into the right direction. She rolled her eyes once again at the small-mindedness of it all.

“Why are so worried about how you look?” Annabelle asked without lifting her eyes away from her phone.

“I’m not!”

“Look how many different outfits you’ve tried on! What’s the big deal? You’re only going on a date with this guy to get the rent money off of your folks.”

Ray sighed in guilt once again. She hated asking for money from her parents, and always made an effort to pay it back, even if it did take forever. Her lifestyle was currently too addictive, and her parents always had inventive ways of making her pay them back that didn’t always necessarily involve money. It could be spending a few weeks doing chores for Ray’s Grandma, whose old age ailments had left her practically housebound, unless she was taken out in a wheelchair. Sometimes Ray was made to volunteer at a soup kitchen. Anything that they thought would make her a better, more-rounded person, her parents were sure to coerce her into giving it a go.

It often gave her a lump in her throat when she really thought about it, which she didn’t often do. Ray hated negative emotions, even though she knew that they help you grow, and she often refrained from allowing herself to think about them, choosing to remain oblivious to such emotions. Her parents were always trying to teach her about the world, and the effect she could have on it. She felt the sickly plunge of guilt in her stomach whenever she thought about it, and once in a while made spontaneous visits to her grandmother, or back to the soup kitchen whenever the guilt stopped her from sleeping at night. This didn’t happen often, it instead became easier and easier for Ray to block the sensations out with her hazy, drunken lifestyle, and staying poor enough to be the one that needed help, and not the one who could make the decisions. She had always found it easier to be the victim than to be the one who could make the difference.

This was the first time that Ray’s parents had bargained a date in exchange for financial help. She tried not to think about what this meant. Were they worried she hadn’t settled down yet? That she hadn’t even gotten as far as introducing her parents to a guy she was seeing? Perhaps it gave her parents a bad view on the person she had become. Was it a bad sign that at twenty-six years old she was single and childless? Ray tried to shrug off the idea. If they did think that then it wasn’t fair. She wasn’t single by choice; most of her relationships had ended because she had decided to end it herself. She didn’t think she had to feel bad about having a high standard. Waiting for the perfect guy should be something women these days are encouraged to do, right? She shouldn’t have to sacrifice her preference of lifestyle just to meet the approval of someone else. She should wait until someone wanted her exactly as she was, and who wouldn’t change her for the world.

She doubted very much to find this in the accountant. She held up the black sweater that she normally used as her ‘job interview’ sweater. It was smart, came up to her neck and down to her waist. Sure, it needed a good iron but it was by far the most sensible item of clothing that she owned. She rifled through the discard clothes that were slowly burying Annabelle, who giggled loudly as Ray flung clothes maniacally in her direction. She soon found what she was looking for and pulled out a cream high-waist skirt. Neutral colors, respectful amount of body on show, surely this was the best way to start a date with the mysterious Carter.

“Nice,” Annabelle commented, nodding approvingly. “What heels are you wearing with that?”

“I don’t know…I don’t even know if this guy is tall or not.”

“Do you know anything else about this Carter other than his job?” Annabelle rolled over onto her front, resting her chin on the palms of her hands, kicking her legs absent-mindedly like a school girl, ready for Ray to spill the details.

“No, nothing really,” Ray muttered as she started to scoop up her clothes and put them back in her closet. The first few items made it neatly onto hangers, but the rest ended up clumsily piled in the general direction of the closet in an attempt to speed up the process. “He’s just moved back here, for work I think-“

“Oh, maybe he’s been promoted or offered a better job!”

“I have no idea.”

“Well, girl, at least you know you can order any drink you want tonight! Hell, accountants earn a fortune!”