You Make Me Whole

Chapter 9

Annabelle and Ray met the next day for coffee. Annabelle joked about the previous night, how Anton had been chasing a girl all night, only for his girlfriend to turn up and catch him in the act. Naturally, a huge aftermath of drama had ensued.

Weeks ago, this kind of gossip would have floored Ray. She would have wanted every single, minute detail. Now, the news left her unimpressed, and her feeling a little sad for Anton. She realized how much everything was aging her. It was in a good way, she had been a teenager in denial for too many years now. Anton’s behavior just reaffirmed how much of a man Carter was.

“So…” Annabelle asked once she finished rambling on about the fight that got everyone kicked out of the bar, “how was the rest of your night?”

“Well, not as eventful as yours, but it was really nice. We talked, and I finally gave him the chance to get openly excited about the baby, and it kind of…caught on, I guess.”

“Yay!” Annabelle squealed, giving Ray’s hand a squeeze. “This is going to be amazing, Ray!”

“All thanks to you…godmother.” She watched with adoration as Annabelle’s eyes widened with realization and amazement, making her look like a cartoon character.

“Me? Godmother?” she exclaimed in confusion, fanning her hands over her eyes to stop the tears. “You mean it?”

“Of course I do! Carter and I discussed it last night. It’s all decided. If you want to be, that is.”

“Are you kidding? Of course I do!” Annabelle threw her arms around Ray. “This is so exciting!”

The two of them laughed and joked on about the future, alternating between baby talk and gossip about their friends or celebrities. It seemed like a healthy balance to Ray, making her realize that she didn’t have to give up too much of who she was, but rather expand to allow more into her life.

“Ray?”

She spun around in the chair, sure she recognized the voice. Doug stood above her, grinning down at her as if it had been years.

“Doug, wow. It’s great to see you.” He bent down as she stood up, and they ended up in a painfully awkward, half-standing, half-sitting embrace.

“It’s great to see you too! How have you been?” He looked better now then since they had split. His beard was trimmed nicely, a lot like Carters, and he was dressed a lot smarter than the high school jock look he always used to go for.

“I’m good.” She felt a little uneasy talking to him, a twinge of guilt knotted in her stomach, even though she was doing nothing wrong.

“You seem different, Ray. I don’t know how…but you look…I don’t know. Whatever it is, it suits you.”

Ray couldn’t help but feel a little flutter at the way Doug was looking at her. They had been great together, until Doug’s trust issues came in between them. He had been so much fun. He could keep up with Ray on a night out no problem, partying until the early hours. They often woke up after a party slumped in each other’s arm. The s*x had been great too. He was attentive, and certainly knew what he was doing. Ending things with Doug had been the hardest break up that Ray had ever had to deal with, and she couldn’t deny the stirring of forgotten feelings she felt when she looked into his eyes.

“Thanks. You look good too.”

Annabelle’s eyes shifted between Doug and Ray, sensing the strong emotions between the two. No doubt she would also be ready to scold Ray for not mentioning she was pregnant, rather than enjoying his attention. Ray knew she was doing wrong by Carter by not saying anything, but she couldn’t get enough of the way Doug was looking at her. Carter only seemed to look at her that way when she was naked. When they were having s*x, it was like it was only the two of them in the whole world, then the next day it would be back to planning for the baby, and Ray was still convinced there would be nothing between if it wasn’t for the fact that she was pregnant.

Doug was looking at her just like how he did when they first got together. Even when the club was crammed with people, he would only have eyes for her, like she was the most beautiful girl in the world. She missed that feeling, and no matter how perfect Carter had been for the past few weeks, he still couldn’t look at her like that.

She shook herself from the train of thought she was heading down. She didn’t want to set Carter and Doug up against each other, it wasn’t a competition. She broke up with Doug for her own reasons, and knew it wouldn’t be a good idea getting back together with him, even if she had never met Carter. Even if her relationship with Carter, if it could be called that, had its own downsides, she knew it couldn’t be her priority right now. She had to start thinking of the baby, and she wanted the father by her side and in the baby’s life, whether it meant he and Ray were together or not. Another man on the scene would bring unnecessary complications, and Ray wasn’t willing to make things more difficult then they needed to be.

“Anyway, I’ve got to run. It was great to see you, Ray. I miss you.”

She looked down at her coffee so he couldn’t see the childish smile that spread across Ray’s face, despite how much she tried to resist. “Take care of yourself, Doug,” she said to him once she had composed herself.

She watched him walk away in a bit of a trance, only to snap out of it as she caught Annabelle glaring at her.

“What?” she said defensively. “It’s not like I did anything!”

“It’s obvious you’re still into him. You didn’t even tell him about the baby.”

“Because it’s none of his business!” Ray lied, taking a swig from her coffee cup. “And even if there was still something there, I’m not going to do anything about it. I can’t do that to Carter, or to this little guy.” She patted her belly.

“Guy? You think it’s a boy?” Annabelle’s eyes were shiny with excitement once again.

“I don’t know, it’s just a feeling.”

It was another few weeks before Ray had her first scan, and even then she wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out for sure. The only thing she had to go on was the feelings she got when she and Carter were discussing baby names the previous night. The girl names floated around, and they struggled to find any weight to them, as they didn’t fit properly. The boy’s names sounded more solid, like they were for a real person. Each name made her picture his personality, how it would sound for her to call her son’s name, and it made it feel so much more real.

“Well,” said Annabelle, “I guess it would be pretty cool for you to have a guy in your life that you weren’t confused about.” They both laughed, and continued to talk about the baby and all the new ideas for him or her. Soon, Doug had slipped from Ray’s mind completely.

*****

Back at the apartment, Ray started to prepare a dinner that would be ready in time for when Carter got home from work. After her epiphany the other night, she had offered for Carter to finally move in with her. He had paid for her months rent to help her out whilst paying for his own place. She knew she couldn’t be picky about not having her own space if she wasn’t even paying for it. If she wanted some time alone, she couldn’t expect Carter to pay for it, nor could she feel good about letting him drive from his place to hers almost every night just to help her out in any way she may need him to do. Even when the baby was born, she would want him around as much as possible, and knew he wouldn’t want to miss out on a single thing, either.

 She laughed to herself about how the idea of being a housewife had terrified the life out of her. The truth was that it wasn’t as much of a label as she had thought. It wasn’t as much of a sexist stereotype as she thought it would be. It was just pulling her weight while Carter was at work all day. She put more effort into making the place look nice than she had ever done with any of her previous jobs, and she certainly liked not having anyone to answer to, so it was a win-win.