You Make Me Whole

Chapter 8

A month had passed since Ray had discovered she was pregnant, Annabelle was at her apartment, getting dressed before they were heading out to meet their friends. Ray still saw her friends, but only once a week at the most, rather than most nights like she used to. Apart from when she was with Annabelle, there was a slight strain with her other friends. She wasn’t sure if she was imagining it or not, but the rest of the group seemed uneasy around her in her new condition, as if they didn’t know how to be around her any more. It was most likely due to the fact that she couldn’t get wasted with them like usual.

She convinced herself that she could have just as much of a good time on a night out sober than she could with a few drinks. She quickly realized that this wasn’t the case. Her feet hurt way more than they used to, and the music seemed so much louder that she could hardly think. She found herself yawning as the night wore on, and her friends’ alcohol-induced stupidity irritated her when it used to make her howl with laughter. With Annabelle it wasn’t so bad, as they did plenty of things during the day together as well, but the rest of the group looked odd without a beer in their hand. Ray continued to join them for drinks despite how she struggled to enjoy herself. It was purely because she was too stubborn to change her lifestyle for Carter than she thought she ought to, no matter whether she would prefer to or not. She felt like she had too much to prove to people who thought partying so hard at her age was a poor way to spend her time.

Carter had continued to be just as supportive and considerate as he had promised to be from the very start. He often stayed at Ray’s apartment with her, although they hadn’t had s*x again since the night before he met her parents. Ray found herself wanting to keep a wary distance from him. She was scared that she was falling for him, and knowing he didn’t feel the same about her, or rather just pretended in order to keep their families happy, made her feel like an idiot. She hadn’t discussed this with him, and she knew that he could and he would make her feel better. But she was worried that him comforting her would just make her feel that much stronger for him, and she didn’t want to fall for the act that the rest of the family believed.

He had often suggested that she come to his place, but she had been reluctant. She felt at home, even in her tiny, cluttered apartment. When he gently brought up the idea that he give up his place and move in with her, she again hesitated. She like the idea of the option of either having him stay with, or having her own space. She knew it was selfish; he was helping her out with funds, whilst also paying for his own apartment that he barely stayed in. She tried to explain herself, and of course he was as understanding as ever.

“Let’s put a pin in it for now, Ray,” he said simply with a smile. “We’re taking this step by step remember? Moving in together is a big step; we can take the time to get used to everything else first. I’m assuming when it comes to your parents we live together, though?”

He had been very bitter about the fake marriage ever since that day. She couldn’t blame him for it, and he didn’t even bring it up that often. His mood just had a very telling drop whenever the topic came up. He had confronted her about it when they had returned to the apartment after lunch with Ray’s parents.

“Why did you say that we were married? We could have just put it off if your parents were that insistent.”

“I’m sorry, I panicked,” she had replied, sheepishly.

“You didn’t even seem to consider that I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life telling people I’m married when I’m not. We’re both going to have to describe a wedding and answer questions about all the details about something that never happened. Even our child is going to think we’re married.”

“We would have had to have gotten married anyway, I didn’t think there was a big difference.”

“Well, there is. I don’t like lying, especially to my friends and family who are going to wonder why the weren’t invited.”

She felt awful as she saw the hurt in his eyes, but she knew deep down that she had picked the easiest option. “Do you honestly think it would have been easier to go to a real wedding in front of everyone we know then to just blow past the whole thing?”

“Yes!” he exclaimed. “At least then it would be real!”

“There would be nothing real about that wedding, Carter. And there’s no way in hell I’d rather stand at that altar with your kid inside me, listening to your vows about how you love me that I know mean jack sh*t!” She had ran to her room then and cried for hours. There wasn’t a sound from the rest of the apartment, and she assumed he’d gone home. But when she finally emerged, to get something, she found him patiently waiting on the couch for her. He held his arms out to her, and she sobbed some more on his shoulder, before he settled her down and fixed her a sandwich. He never brought up the subject again, but there was the occasional comment that was loaded with emotion.

*****

“Maybe I should just stay home tonight,” she said while Annabelle applied her mascara.

“What? No! We hardly ever see you anymore. Everyone misses you.”

“I just don’t feel like I’m any fun anymore.”

“Don’t be stupid. We’re here for you no matter what.”

Ray found it hard to believe. Her friends were great fun, but they hadn’t really had the chance to prove their loyalty. They were always there for a good time, but a serious situation such as this had never presented itself. Would Anton come and visit her in the hospital when she had the baby? Would Charlie accompany her in taking the baby to the park? She rarely even remembered seeing her friends in the daylight hours, even when she did, it was usually just because the party had continued on to the next day.

“Do you think you know what it is?” Annabelle asked as they continued to apply their makeup.

“What?”

“The baby, dummy! Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?”

“I – I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“How could you not have thought about it?” Annabelle looked at her in shock. “It would be killing me not to know! I would want to start thinking of names, thinking about what color the nursery would be. Aw, and buying their tiny little clothes! There’s so much to think about.”

Ray had the shocking realization that she had barely given a single thought to the actual baby. She just thought of it as ‘the baby’. She hadn’t thought of it as a person. Names, clothes, interior design…none of it had crossed her mind. Being pregnant to her had been a ‘situation’ or a medical condition. Did that make her a soulless monster? She had only thought of how things were going to change for her, how her life would change. Not a single thought had been dedicated to the person growing inside her.

Guilt gnawed away at her all night, ruining her mood. While out with her friends, she found herself unable to hold a conversation, often daydreaming about how unsuited she was for motherhood. She had never craved a drink so bad since she discovered she was pregnant. She wanted to forget. She wanted to temporarily forget she was pregnant, she wanted to forget about Carter, and how he was only with her out of moral obligation. She wanted to forget that she was too selfish to become a mother, and that she wouldn’t be able to give her child the life she deserved. And most of all, she wanted to forget about everything that was changing, all the aspects of her life that she had to say goodbye to, that she would never get back.