You Make Me Whole

“Whoa, whoa, Ray,” he said quickly, holding his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant-“

“Of course that’s what you mean!” She jumped up in her rage, storming around the room to burn off the angry energy. “Everything that put you off being with me is going to change because it has to! It’s all worked out perfectly for you!”

“How can you say that?” He sounded hurt, rather than angry. Ray couldn’t even imagine him shouting at her, she almost wished that he would. “I just meant while we’re going through this, our own problems can be put on hold for a while. We can focus on what’s important. This is as much of a shock to me as it is to you, Ray. You can’t act like I planned for this to happen. I’m just trying to focus on what we can gain from this.”

Ray folded her arms across her chest, sulking at how much sense he was making. She knew he was saying all the right things. He was being sensitive to her and wasn’t running a mile like a lot of guys would in this situation, but Ray almost wished he would say something that made him look like a jerk just so she could call him out on it.

He got up off the sofa and walked towards her until he was right in front of her. He reached out to touch her stomach, although he hesitated before he touched her. “May I?” he asked. She shrugged, still too freaked out to be able to think of this as normal. He rested his hand across her flat stomach, and appeared full of awe.

“Wow,” he said. “It’s so crazy to think there’s a life in there.” Ray felt like a monster that Carter was more excited about something growing inside her than she was. She always thought the motherly instinct would just kick in like switching on a light, but so far she felt nothing.

“How are you so calm?” she blurted out. He removed his hand from her stomach and placed both reassuringly on her shoulders. “Ray, when I met you, I knew there was something special about you. I know it’s early to talk about ‘us’, especially in our new situation, but love and compatibility aren’t the same thing. It’s a thought that’s plagued me for the last two weeks, and I wasn’t sure if we could make it work. But now that you’re pregnant, I guess I just think that if we don’t learn to love each other, there’s someone that we can both love, together.”

Ray swallowed a lump in her throat; she wished the world were as plain and simple to her as it seemed to be for Carter. “That’s a very sweet thought. I just feel like I’m going to have to give everything up that makes me who I am.”

“I can understand that,” he nodded. “But maybe this will help you find out more about yourself then you ever thought was possible. You’re passionate about life; it’s what I find so entrancing about you. Maybe being a mother is something you’ll discover you’re passionate about? Maybe it’s why you’ve never been that bothered about having a career; you were destined for a different purpose?”

Ray felt uncomfortable being dissected so well by him, like he’d known her forever. A lot of girls would find it romantic, but it made her feel exposed and vulnerable. But he was right, and it was the attitude she should have if this was going to work out for the best. She just hated the feeling that none of it was her decision, and it was all completely out of control. She had made such an effort her whole life to be independent, and now it was all falling apart in front of her.

She managed to give him a weak smile, already exhausted from the stress on top of the typical symptoms of pregnancy. As if he could sense her emotions like he had done so many times already, he pulled her into another one of his problem erasing hugs.

“So what do we do now?” she asked wearily. “Are we together now? It doesn’t seem very romantic.” He chuckled, making his chest vibrate against Ray’s cheek.

“Let’s see how it goes. We’ll go at your pace. I’ll be here for you in whatever way you need me to be, Ray. I’ll be here for you all the time to take care of you, or I can keep my distance and just stay by the phone for whenever you need help. Whatever you want.”

“And what do you want?”

He seemed stumped by the question. “I just want what’s best for the baby. I want to stand up to my responsibilities, but I want to do it in a way that’s best for you.”

He was still flawless with his answers, like he was reading straight out of a book. It even allowed Ray to manage a small laugh.

“I guess we’ll just see how it goes,” she said, stifling a yawn. “Sorry, I’m so tired. I’ve not been well.” Carter placed his hands on each of Ray’s cheek, guiding her face up to look at him.

“You look a little pale,” he said with concern. “Have you eaten today?”

She shook her head. “This hormone isn’t exaggerated at all, I can barely keep anything down. Everything makes me feel sick.”

“You need to eat, Ray. Tell me what you think you can manage, and I’ll run out and get it for you.”

Hours later and Ray was lying across Carter’s lap. He had spent the afternoon looking after her. Running out and fetching dinner for the pair of them, clearing up, even clearing dirty dishes that were sat by the sink before he even arrived. Then he ran her a bath and tidied up while she relaxed. She kept insisting that he didn’t have to, that he had nothing to prove, but he just smiled and said he was happy to help.

Now that she was settled and feeling a little better, she already felt better about the whole thing. She still had the pit of anxiety that she was sure would be there for a while, at least until she plucked up the courage to tell her parents. Carter was undoubtedly a calming influence, and if she had to get knocked up by someone, there were worse guys to end up in the same situation with. It wasn’t the most romantic sentiment, but for now, it was a step in the right direction.

As night fell, there was an unspoken feeling in the air that neither of them wanted Carter to leave. Ray felt like she could only remain calm about the situation with him by her side. She knew that feeling would pass as she got more used to the idea, but for now she wanted him here.

“Stay with me, tonight,” she blurted out as he stood up off the couch. He bent down and kissed her on the forehead.

“I was just getting up to use the bathroom! But yes, I’d love to stay with you.”

When he came back from the bathroom, he found her stood nervously in the middle of the room, fidgeting with the hem of her t-shirt.

“You okay?” he asked nervously.

Without a word, she strode over to him and kissed him passionately, wrapping both her arms around his neck. In one fluid motion, he scooped up her legs and lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist, where she could already feel his bulge pressed against her.

He carried her to the bedroom as if she was as light as a feather, and she clung to him like it was the only thing that kept her safe. She wasn’t sure if it was the dreaded pregnancy hormones, or the comfort from Carter looking after her all afternoon, but whatever it was, she wanted him. Maybe she wanted the distraction from the roller coaster that the past twelve hours had been?