When Love’s In Fashion

Chapter 8

Sven sighed as she caught Elmira from falling flat on her face for the third time that night.

“Elmira, please be careful.”

Elmira laughed heartily.

“I am so fu*kin’ sh*tfaced right now.”

“Indeed you are,” he replied as he maneuvered Elmira into a booth.

“Just stay upright while I go get you water,” he added before turning to walk away.

“I love you, Sven.”

Sven didn’t get far.

He blinked once.

Twice.

He turned back around to look at Elmira, who appeared to be slowly descending from her slouched position and moving ever closer to the ground.

Sven propped her back up into a sitting position as he shook his head.

“Wonderful, I’m finally hearing things in my old age,” he muttered to himself.

“Nah, you heard right, I actually do fu*kin’ love you, Sven,” Elmira said as she propped up an elbow against the table so she could unsteadily hold her face up. She swayed slightly.

“‘Course I fu*kin’ love you.”

Sven gave Elmira a long look before nodding slowly. “Alright then.”

Elmira somehow managed to look surprised despite her inability to even blink her eyes synchronously.

“That’s it? I thought you were gonna ask ‘why’ and then I’d have to come up with some sort of romantic spiel to boost your dumb insecure ego.”

“If I asked ‘why’, you’d probably just say ‘because you’re unfairly beautiful,’” he replied with an eye roll.

“Don’t get me wrong, it was charming the first time.” Sven shrugged.

“But you’ve said it enough that I’m beginning to wonder if you only want me for my looks.”

Elmira slapped at the table with drunken conviction.

“You really do have an excellent face!” She paused, suddenly leaning heavily to one side.

“But that’s not why.”

Sven pulled her back upright.

“If you tell me it’s because of my wonderful personality, I will be devastated.”

Elmira snorted and shook her head.

Sven wasn’t sure why he was humoring her, but he asked anyway. “Why do you love me then?”

“No reason not to,” she replied simply.

There was a very good chance that Sven’s heart was about to beat out of his chest and crawl its way into Elmira’s hands. He took a deep breath.

“Is that also from a movie?”

“No, I think I read it on a Buzzfeed list somewhere, but who the fu*k cares?”

Sven laughed hollowly and shook his head as he turned away.

“I’ll go get you that water now.”

“Wait!”

Sven suppressed a sigh and turned back around.

Elmira was suddenly standing perfectly still, hands shoved deep into her pockets with no hint of the staggering drunk woman from seconds before. She looked defiant.

“You don’t believe me.”

A strange realization dawned on Sven. “You’re not drunk.”

*****

“Sven, wait – where are you even going?”

Sven had no idea, but he certainly wasn’t going to stay in a bar and talk about feelings of all the damned things. He stepped outside into the cold.

“Fu*kin’ wait Sven, d’you realize you’ve got legs for days?” Elmira jogged behind him to keep up.

“If you walk any faster, we’re gonna end up in different weeks! Sven? Sven! Are you even fu*kin’ listening to me?”

Sven didn’t stop.

“Are you seriously running away right now?” Elmira asked incredulously.

Elmira nearly walked straight into him when Sven abruptly stopped. He didn’t turn around.

“I’m not running away,” said Sven.

“Right, so what you call this then? Just walkin’ quickly and with purpose, are you?”

Sven turned around. “What do you call pretending to be drunk and telling people you love them?”

Elmira had the decency to look ashamed.

“They call it ‘Elmira Olivette is a dweeb.’”

Sven gave her a long, uninterpretable look that unnerved her, before eventually sighing. He looked disappointed.

“What in hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know how it fu*kin’ happened, alright? It just, I mean, I,” she rubbed at her temples in apparent distress. “You were just so nice to me, you know?”

“Elmira-”

“No, let me finish. You let your guard down when I’m tipsy,” Elmira blurted out before averting her eyes to the concrete. She suddenly spoke very quietly.

“You looked after me, even after I’d been a bit of a drunk idiot and it was just really nice, alright? And you’d take me back home and you’d make me breakfast the next morning and I just – I mean, it was bound to fu*kin’ happen.”

Sven would ordinarily find Elmira’s rambling endearing, but at this point, he just wanted clarity.

“What was bound to happen?”

Elmira’s face glowed with embarrassment. “Christ, I’ve already said it three fu*kin’ times.”

Sven said nothing and Elmira groaned, throwing her hands into the air.

“Fine, so we’re doing this?” She took an angry step forward. “You want the whole fu*kin’ romantic confession? Fine, you dramatic fu*kin’ jerk-off!” She took another step forward, her eyes flicking up to look up at Sven’s. “If you must know, like it wasn’t so fu*kin’ obvious before, I’m 143 for you, Sven Marcel. And if your bougie ass can’t translate that, it means ‘I’m in love with you!’”

Sven flinched as Elmira poked him hard in the chest.

“All I know is that when I saw you one morning and you and your stupid dimpled face smiled at me, I fell really fu*kin’ bad. But you know what, Sven?”

She poked her hard again.

“You and your smug face knew how I felt, but you didn’t do anything about it. Except flirt with stupid Florica and push me away.”

Elmira half-heartedly poked him in the chest one final time. “So there was my conundrum, Sven. I love you and you kinda like me, but you weren’t doing anything about it and I was too much of a fu*kin’ coward to tell you sober. You beginning to see my problem here?”

Elmira dropped his hand back to his side and looked away.

“Well, go on then,” she said. “Go ahead and tell me what a terrible idea this is gonna be.”

Sven was at a complete loss for words. He didn’t even know where to begin, but he needed to say something soon, as Elmira’s anger was beginning to fade into embarrassment and if he didn’t stop her, Elmira was going to walk away.

Sven couldn’t have that.

“I never took you to your hotel,” Sven abruptly said.

Elmira stared at him incredulously.

“Are you serious right now? Jesus Christ, it’s like you didn’t even hear-”

“I took you to my house,” Sven interrupted. “I never took you to your hotel.”

Elmira paused momentarily. “Same thing, isn’t it?”

“Fu*k, say something.”

For fu*k’s sake, say something before she leaves! “It’s cold,” Sven said dumbly. Christ, what was that?

Elmira raised an eyebrow. “Wow, you would be utter bullsh*t at being a male lead in a rom-com, you know.”

Sven was unjustifiably offended by that, but he let it slide.

“Best not quit my day job then,” he said instead.

“I hear observational skills are kinda key for your day job,” Elmira replied with faint annoyance. “And no offense, but your observational skills are also kinda bullsh*t.”

“Only when it comes to you, I assure you.”

Elmira had paused and to Sven’s satisfaction, he had actually managed to surprise Elmira.

“Yeah?” Elmira asked more hopefully than she probably meant to.

“Yes,” Sven confirmed.

So that’s it? Elmira thought, confused. Are we dating?

“Shall we go back to the bar then?” Elmira suggested. “I’m fu*kin’ freezing.”

“Perhaps not.”

Not dating then. Well fu*k, this is mortifying. Now what?

“So we say goodnight and we pretend this never happened then?”

Sven raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t say that.”

“Well you’re not fu*kin sayin’ much, so you’ll have to excuse me,” she snapped.

“I know, I apologize. It’s just-”

“Oh, here we go,” she exclaimed angrily. “Let’s hear it then. Pray tell, why is it that we can’t date? Let me guess… Age difference? You’re too bougie? You were my boss so this makes it less real? Oh, I fu*kin’ know!” Elmira said with a snap of her fingers. “It’s the Florica effect, you probably think it’s all some petty competition or she talked sh*t about me. Is that it?”

Sven waited silently before asking, “Are you quite done?”

Elmira crossed her arms, poorly concealing what was obviously a childish pout. “No.”

Sven sighed. “This may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t typically express my feelings very well.”

Elmira scoffed. “You can fu*kin’ say that again.”

“Please don’t ever mistake that for me not wanting you.”

Elmira didn’t know what to say. “Oh,” she replied before mentally cringing at how embarrassingly lacking that response was.  She cleared her throat to try again.  “So the feeling’s mutual then?”

“Yes.”

“Oh,” she said again. She fidgeted, unsure of why she was suddenly so uncomfortable. “Cool.”

Sven gave a single nod before rubbing his hands together.

“Actually, it’s fu*king freezing.”