Turn Me Bad

Suddenly determined to make some connection with Violet that was not just about fun and games, Benjamin jumped up and went to the leather jacket he had left lying on the floor. Inside was his cell phone, and, if Max would stop calling him for five seconds, he might be able to stop himself from wondering about where he had gone wrong with Violet for the rest of his life.

If only he knew enough of what he was feeling to say something meaningful. Having never felt this way before, it was all very raw to him.

There were five rings he counted, during which he thought he could sense Violet deciding whether or not to answer… but she did.

”Benjamin?“ came her voice, tentatively as if braced for bad news.

”Violet, it’s me,“ he said, confusing himself with why he was stating the obvious.

”Is everything OK?”

”Yes, I just wanted to speak,“ he tried, knowing he was losing the moment when he should have been leading the way. Words had never stuck in his throat before, but then he had never really bothered connecting them with his deepest feelings.

”I’m not sure it’s wise to, so soon,” she replied, her voice lower than usual, as of someone undergoing a heavy emotional burden.

”Please, I just realized I never really said anything useful yesterday. The whole thing didn’t make much sense to me, though I think I’m starting to understand,“ he ventured.

”You understand?”

”I mean, all that stuff you were hinting at about me being in the way of your profession.”

”I did a little more than hint, Ben.”

”Sure, but I… I wanted to give you my side of this. As well as acknowledging that… well, that I’ve got to change. I understand that.”

”Oh, Ben, that’s the point. I don’t want to change you,“ she told him. ”I like you just as you are. And if you did change for me, you’d hate me for it eventually anyway, because you shouldn’t be expected to.”

”No, but… I think there are some aspects of this you won’t know about. In truth I’m just getting to grips with them myself.”

”How do you mean?”

”That change has been on my mind for longer than you might think.”

Suddenly, it flooded back to him then, the feeling that had been nagging away even before he had met Violet. Since then, he had been having the time of his life with her and not allowed self-reflection to interrupt, but now he sensed it a bit stronger and could even give it a name or two: annoyance, restlessness or maybe inadequacy.

Ugly, ugly inadequacy.

”I’m not sure I follow,“ Violet said, but he was determined now to connect with this mood.

”Vio, I’ve been bored for some time, doing what I do. I just think I didn’t realized it.”

”Work can do that to you.”

”But it’s more than that. It’s something that’s been missing from my life; a sense of… of fulfilment, I guess. Like I was looking for something missing but had no idea where to look – and then I met you.”

He paused for a heartbeat to see if she made a sound but, hearing nothing, decided to make the most of having the floor.

”Vio, I know you said this lifestyle suits me but I think that, deep down, I want more. Like I want another chapter of my life to begin. These last few years, Vio, I’ve been squirreling money away in this savings account, as if preparing it, but what have I been saving it for?”

”You’re talking about money?“ Violet asked. ”Ben, I don’t understand.”

”What I mean is… I think I want to move away and settle down. I have enough money to do that I’m convinced.”

”Oh, no! Benjamin, you don’t have to try to impress me like this. I wouldn’t have you turn your back on such work and, no offense, but that kind of work only lasts as long as you’re youthful and–“

”Exactly! Exactly, Vio!“ he stressed. ”It can only last so long. Maybe I’ve been aware of this on a… on a subconscious level.”

”But what would you do?”

”I was thinking at the college that time, that I should pursue a degree some day.”

”Go to college?”

”As a mature student. Why not?”

”Benjamin, this is a lot to take on board.”

”For me too,“ he said. ”For me too, Vio. The thing is though, this isn’t even the most important part of it. This is just an aside.”

”An aside to what?”

”An aside to the fact that I love you.”

”You… you love me?”

”Yes, I said it yesterday and it just slipped out,“ he confessed. “It surprised us both, but I know now I meant it for real. I haven’t really been in touch with my feelings, but I think you’re the one for me, Vio. I’ll change; I’ll be whatever you want from me.”

”I…”

There was a longer pause then as he waited for Violet’s response. He had poured his heart out and realized, along the way, that he meant it all. What’s more it felt healthy and liberating to do so.

”Ben, I… You’re a sweetheart, but I don’t think this is right. You don’t need to be changing.”

”But I want to, Violet.”

”For me or for you?”

”For both of us.”

”I’m sorry,“ she said, with a heavier note to her voice. ”There’s too much risk involved. I can’t.”

Benjamin opened his mouth to offer a response, but could no longer find any words to add.

Regardless, Violet hung up and, as he felt his feelings had all been summed up, he did not try to call back. Even though he sat there for an hour looking at the phone and hoping it rang again.

Amazingly, even Max didn’t bother calling.