Turn Me Bad

Chapter 9

L.A.’s bright lights did not feel so homey or welcoming to Benjamin, and, for the first time ever, he felt his location, his profession, and his lifestyle weighing heavily upon his soul.

A few weeks ago, he had been aware of a change in his attitude that had caused him to go looking for something different. What it was he didn’t know at the time, or even accept it fully until after that first night with Violet. But he had found it and stayed.

He did what he wanted and what the hell was wrong with that?

However, he must have taken it for granted in some way because now it was gone and now his mood had changed again.

So it had come to an end. That had happened to many relationships.

So he had taken it a little more seriously than those that had come before. That did not mean that moving on to something else should be a problem, or heading back to L.A. an issue – but it was.

All kinds of strange thoughts and reflections had been going through his head as he made his way back. Unusual musings it was not typically in his nature to fall prey to. Upon seeing the sunrise, he had found himself thinking that the dawn of a new day represented a new chapter in his life, even though he was going back to what he knew. Having never thought so poetically about his place on this planet before, his initial instincts were just to get on with it. To head on back to his apartment, give Max a heads up that he was back in town, and wait to see what was next on the itinerary. He was still earning money, which must have been for some purpose eventually.

Max got him a gig right away; the agent whose life revolved around the dollar sign hardly seemed to blink on learning they were back in business. There were no lectures or inquiries as to what had been going on. He merely heard that Benjamin was up for new projects and so normal service was immediately resumed. In fact, Max had something for him there and then; an underwear shoot of all things. Judging a working day as preferable to sitting around and thinking about all that had happened with Violet, Benjamin did not bother to mention to his agent that he had not even slept that night. Instead he took a shower, changed his clothes, and caught a cab to the West Hollywood studio Max had ordered him to.

Very soon he was back in front of a camera, posing for the photographers and disappearing behind a curtain every now and then to try on a new item of underwear.

Except work was a little different. He was no longer his usual charming self and even had to be asked to smile a couple of times. His camera face usually came naturally; he did not have to think about it even, but the shoot was a constant effort. More than that, in fact. It was a drag.

When the evening came, he had no desire to hang around West Hollywood, despite a suggestion from the female director that they might meet at a bar down the road later. She had a wedding ring on, but that had never stopped him in the past. Quite the opposite actually; a wedding was an invite with as little complication attached as you could get.

Despite being turned down by Violet the night before, Benjamin had no desire to let off steam in that way. In fact, he did not want to be around company whatsoever and headed straight back to his apartment, ignoring several calls from Max on his cell phone that were probably attempts to fill up his diary.

When he got home, he didn’t even turn on the TV or try to entertain or distract his mind in any way. All he could think about was Violet.

It was not as if he had been trying to think deeply about relationships or what kind of future he was walking away from, it was just that whatever he did and wherever we was, he found himself imagining what she was doing. Right then, she would have probably just made it home, after another day of working too hard, which it was her habit to do. Maybe she was upset by what had happened and was telling Caitlin to shut her trap about something; maybe she was relieved and too tired to care.

Not a person to look back, for the first time in his life Benjamin was drawn into going over in his mind what had happened. From that first moment he laid eyes on her, to her bombshell that they were not right for each other. As he did so, he finally began to understand the phrase about ”opening a can of worms.”

Violet had woken something different in him from the start. As soon as he had seen her standing there at the bar’s entrance, he had thought: beautiful. But in a way he had not seen in a while. The girls he was used to hanging around with were ten to a penny in California. They had that way of drawing the male gaze without actually working hard to, because of their curves and bouncy hair, fun clothes and ready smiles. They came as a collective and had that gift that girl bands on the music channels have, when they manage to look appealing for their energy and attitude alone, but never actually drawing the attention towards something deeper and more sustained. A boy’s eyes can move from one girl band to another quite easily and be just as entertained, but Benjamin recalled when a friend had asked him to name his favorite member of a particular band – he couldn’t remember now which one – but he had found it impossible. By being asked that question he had actually been required to look at each member individually and decide who was the better looking. Astonishingly, on doing so, he had concluded he didn’t find any of them particularly attractive. It was their energy and movement that was deceiving, convincing a man’s mind that he found them alluring when in fact they were nothing out of the ordinary. Sexy, sure, but not beautiful in a way that would turn your head if they were not behaving so beguilingly.

No, Violet was different to that. Or more than that, he would prefer to say.

She could have acted that way for sure, but chose not to. However, there was an intensity about her that was obvious even before they spoke. Nothing snobby or pretentious, but the impression that she was enough in herself not to have to compete with the other girls for attention by playing at the same tricks. Her good looks had an integrity about them and a character that reminded him of something. Then he had remembered, when he was a young kid, there had been a student teacher that had taken over his art class for a time. Benjamin had a bit of a school boy crush on her, even though it was one his classmates didn’t really share. There had been a seriousness about her that some of the school kids found intimidating but, if you gave her a little light-hearted cheek, that hard stare would turn into a smile and reveal that her strict manner only existed to mask a compassionate nature that she was not willing to put on show except to those she trusted. Violet was like that for sure; a girl who was not to be taken lightly but, if you managed to connect, there was a lot more lying beneath to discover.

Maybe because Benjamin was so cheeky, he was the only one lucky enough to find out so much more.

He had gotten it wrong though, that was for sure. It wasn’t enough to work at helping her shed all the daily burdens life had demanded she carry around. Knowing how to have fun and bring the wild side out of people had helped him to make a connection, but it had not been permanent.

It was over to him to have a second layer as well. He needed to have depth too and, when required, it was lacking.

Did it have to be though, or was much of his character still waiting to grow up a bit? He had told her he could take or leave his lifestyle; his profession and the perks of being a model. Maybe it was time to make good on that boast and show her there was more too him.