Turn Me Bad

But as she meant to kiss him on the cheek, his lips moved to her mouth. They were not supposed to have any more intimate moments, but as soon as his lips were on hers, the desire began to flood out of her again and she could not pull away.

The last two weeks had enabled her to enjoy living on impulse as he did. Some might have argued there was no reason not to enjoy one last pleasure and end it all on a high, but Violet’s will was not so fixed that she was not beyond the fear of changing her mind.

If she did not hold back there and then; if she gave herself to him again, then it might be that all the determination of the evening had been broken and she ended up giving into him for good. Until the time came when he really did move on of his own accord, leaving her jobless, and having to start out from scratch.

Once she had given him the instruction, he did not force the issue again. Instead, he let her stand up and head back onto the pavement, putting her bre*sts away in the process and glad that no one was around, especially as she found her straps had become tangled.

Then there was nothing left to do but take out her door key and go inside. But before she did so, Violet turned round to see Benjamin standing by his bike watching her, just as he had that first time she had seen him turning up at the bar.

”Sorry,“ she said, her voice almost breaking with the lone word. Then she turned away and hurried inside, not looking back or entering the living room to talk to anyone. Instead, she went straight upstairs and sat on her bed trembling when, on hearing the sound of the bike engine starting up and beginning to fade away into the night, she began to cry uncontrollably.

*****

Though she lost count of how long she had laid on the bed, it could not have been as long as her well of grief was able to overspill because of the sudden need to call her friend Abby.

If anyone could tell her it was OK and that she had done the right thing, then it was she. If anyone could stop the tears from running.

Then again, Abby’s suggestion had been that they were made for each other. Also she could not help think back to when she had been determined to seek Benjamin out. Violet had to fully accept that she would have brought this all on herself through choice without his lead.

She rang her anyway.

”Abby, it’s Violet,“ she blubbered, not quite on the ball in failing to realize that cell phones tell us who is calling these days.

”Friend, what’s wrong?”

”Is it a bad time?”

”You always ask me that, kid. Just tell me what’s wrong. Let me guess, he – no, you blew him off?”

”He’s just gone. I think back to L.A.; he’s impulsive and will probably drive all night and not worry about hanging around for a hotel room he’s already paid for. I know him, Abby, there’s nothing for him here now.”

”Violet, slow down,“ her friend pleaded, trying to calm her rant and get some perspective. ”Give me some order to events; did you have a fight?”

”Not really. I’ve tried to fight with him before, he just smiles.”

”So you just told him and he left.”

“I insisted. I poured out all my troubles and told him he was bad for me and because I know he will leave eventually he should go.”

”And he admitted he was going to leave eventually.”

”Not really. He didn’t seem to know his own mind; I told you, he’s impulsive. You know what that makes it, Abby?”

”What?”

”That makes it impossible, that’s what it does. Impossible to know what he’s really thinking, because I don’t think he…”

”You don’t think he does. Oh, Vio, he seemed pretty clued on to me. Are you sure you’re not underestimating him?”

”I wouldn’t do that,” Violet insisted. ”I saw him kick two people’s behinds this evening.”

”You saw…? Never mind, you can tell me about that some other time. Look, just try to be calm and give the matter some thought over the next couple of days. Are you absolutely sure you’ve done the right thing?”

”I am, I think,“ Violet said. ”He would have been the end of me.”

”So, you did the right thing?”

”I don’t know it’s hard to tell when…”

”When what?”

”When I think I love him.”

”Have you told him that?”

”No.”

”And has he said whether he loves you or not?”

”He… he might have said something along those lines. It was really hard to tell.”

”You’re pretty vague on so many factors here, sweetie.”

”I know!”

Of all the conversations she’d had with Abby at difficult and challenging times, that was probably the least fruitful of them all. In desperation, they concluded that neither of them knew anything. There was nothing solid enough to go on to assess whether Violet had made the right decision, whether she was really better off without him or whether Benjamin might actually really be a keeper after all.

”I just don’t want you to look back and be unhappy about the decision you’ve made,“ Abby concluded. ”But keep your chin up. I’m sure it will work out for the best.”

For the first time, her friend’s advice sounded hollow. Violet knew that Abby had done her best and this problem was really her own to sort. It was very difficult to feel philosophical about it all, however. Only an hour before the love of her life had been on the street outside. She had heard the sound of his bike disappearing into the distance and feared that would be the last she ever heard of him.

Perhaps even worse, however, she feared contacting him in case the willpower she had tried so hard to locate gave in. Deep down her sensible mind still drew the conclusion that calling an end to the romance was probably the best decision.