Thrax

Chapter 5

Come the morning, Thrax was erect again from the thought of Agena being the first thing that entered his mind when he opened his eyes to the light fingering in through the window.  Sleep had been long and hard in coming, as he had spent the night tossing about, trying to decide exactly what he would say to her when he saw her again and how he would say it.  He thought he knew exactly what words he would use to express his feelings and tell her everything that had gone through his mind since she’d excused herself from the table.

  What he did not know was what thoughts had occupied Agena’s mind over these last many hours and whether they had taken her to anything like the place where he was in his head and his heart right now.  What would she say when he unburdened himself to her?  And where would that take them?

Ignoring the aching need in his loins as best he could, he got himself up, went to the water basin in his bedroom, and used body washes to freshen himself up from the night.  He pulled on another pair of loose-fitting trousers and strode out into the common area of the suite, where he found the glass doors open and the morning sunlight pouring in.

 There, with his back to him, standing at the rail, she stood in that same diaphanous gown with her hair falling down her back.  The first light of day gilded her form, tracing a golden outline along the contours of her hair and the folds of the fabric that she wore and making a soft, subtle silhouette of her body in the gown.

 Seeing her this way made Thrax appreciate Agena all the more as both an athlete and a lady—a lady that he now feared he had not treated as a gentleman and a Knight should. 

Then again, if he could still have the chance to treat her as he truly wanted, she would become something much more than a lady to him.

Steeling himself with a deep breath, he ventured out onto the terrace, his bare feet making no sound as he touched them to the polished stone floor.  He stopped halfway between the doors and the railing and summoned his voice.  “Agena…”

She turned to look over her shoulder at him, and her showing him her face for the first time felt every bit like a revelation to him.  Her face was fresh, not full of sleep, and he imagined she must have used the water basin and washes in her own bedroom.  Her hair fell in neat but sensuous waves, and he guessed that she must have brushed it upon getting up.  Had she done it for him or only for herself?  It didn’t matter.  She was still a revelation.

“Good morning, Thrax,” she said.

He stepped closer, joining her at the edge of the balcony.  “I hope you slept well,” he said.

“As well as I could,” she replied, not with anger or frustration, just as a fact.  “You?”

“After a fashion, I did sleep,” said Thrax, dismissing the memory of stroking and cli*axing himself to the thought of her.  “But before I slept…I spent a good deal of time in thought.”

“About…last night,” she guessed.  What else would it have been?

“Yes,” he said.  “Last night.  And all the things we may have both expected.  And all the things that were said, and what happened instead.”

Not turning away, but just taking her eyes from his, Agena admitted, “I did have some expectations.  And I thought they were appropriate things to expect.  Everyone comes into this thinking it’s going to be a certain thing, a certain way, after all.”

“Yes, they do.  And for everyone else residing here now, it is.  You had every reason to believe it would be so for us as well.”

“I feel a little foolish, actually,” said Agena.  “It just never occurred to me that you could possibly feel the way you do.  The things you said, the way you said you feel about the Lottery and the Courtship…I just never saw any of that coming.  I never would have dreamed anything like that.  Everyone assumes a certain thing here…”

“…and I completely overturned everything that you had every right to expect and assume.  That’s what I did.  And if I offended you in any way, if you are hurt or disappointed in me, I’m humbly sorry.”

She returned her eyes to him now and found again in them no untruth, no insincerity.  He meant what he said.  “After last night, I think you’re the one who should be disappointed.”

“In you?”

“No…yes.  I don’t know.”  She shook her head.  “Maybe not in me.  But maybe in your world, your people.  From the way you talked, you should feel disappointed in what’s being expected of you, what your world is calling on you to do.  Thrax, you’re thinking of being with me as a duty.  And I guess it is.  But it’s a different kind of duty than what you became a Knight for.  You have a mission—a calling, I guess you could say.  But your calling has nothing to do with this.  Your heart isn’t in this.  And I thought when I was paired with a Knight that I’d be going to bed with someone whose heart was in it.  I think that’s the disappointment.”

Gently, he replied, “My heart is always in sharing a bed with a beautiful female and feeling my body join with hers.”

Agena nodded, her brows arching.  She understood that well enough.  “I know.  Your heart is in the s*x.  It’s just not in the rest of it.”

Thrax leaned on the railing, calling forth the words that had rolled and spun through his mind all night.  “Agena,” he asked, “may I tell you what I have been thinking?  Honestly?”

“Yes, please,” she said.

“You’re correct that everything I said to you last night was what I truly feel about what we’re here to do—beyond the s*x alone.  I spoke from my heart, and I spoke true.  But when we say what we mean…we do not always say everything that we mean.  There are some meanings, sometimes, that we don’t realize.  When I spoke to you, there were other things I meant, things I could not say at the time.  Things I could only really know when I was alone and could think about my words.”  He bowed and shook his head.  “This is difficult.  My words crash into each other.  I thought I could explain this better.”