Thrax

Thrax shook his head decisively.  “That is easy enough to say, but think of the child.  Think of the absence of a father in a child’s life.  No matter how well a mother alone may raise a child, no matter how happy the child may be with only the mother, the absence of the father will always be felt.  There will always be that one empty space in the child’s heart that only the father can fill.

  And that space, left empty too much, may be a very painful emptiness.  I think of the pain and the wanting, and I think of a child wondering where the father is and why the father does not want to be with him or her.  And I think of what that can do to a child, however loving the mother may be. 

And when I imagine that life for a child of mine, I cannot bear it.  The only answer would be my renouncing the Knighthood and the two of us being married.  And I say this very sincerely, Agena: in the heart of my heart, I have always believed that the one and the only reason to marry is for love.  Not duty, not obligation, not even the well-being of a child—but for love.”

Agena felt something crumbling inside her, whether it was her heart or her hopes or only the fulfillment of her desire for the man across the table from her.  She said, “And you and I aren’t lovers.  We’re only a couple that the Courting computers chose for each other.”

“Yes.”

“There is one other answer,” she ventured.

“What?”

“As the aspirant, I have the right to select myself out, to back out.  I can void the selection and request another Lottery.  There’ll be questions asked and there’ll be some noses out of joint, but I can handle that.  Would that leave you free to go back to the Knighthood and not have to give up your life?”

He shook his head again.  “This is something that very rarely happens, Agena.  It happens so seldom that it’s hardly ever discussed.  In the event that you voided the selection, we would both be paired with others.  You would be free to mate with another Lacertan, even a Knight or one of the Corps if you still wanted one.  And the Lottery would simply present me with another human female, and my orders would be to breed with her as I would with you.”

She could only imagine that she now looked as pained as she felt.  “Then what are we going to do, Thrax?  I don’t want to go into this with you if it’s not what you want.”

“I don’t know what we can do,” he replied sadly.  “But I do want you to know one thing.  Had you and I met under any other circumstances, had we found each other in any other way…we would even now be on our way to bed.  And I would give you nights and days such as you would not soon forget.”

For a moment, she said nothing.  She only returned to imagining being in bed with Thrax, knowing that the reality of it would surpass his words.  And inside, she continued to crumble.  In a sad, low voice, she finally spoke: “I think we both have some things to think about before we go any further.”

“I believe so.”

“This isn’t the way I wanted this evening to end,” she admitted.

“I know, Agena,” he said.  “And I know that if we were to go to bed now, we would please one another, perhaps better than anyone has ever pleased us before.  I find you exceptionally beautiful, especially now.  And only my discipline stops me coming round this table and taking you before we even have a chance to reach a bed.”

She faced him with only an ache left in her heart where her hopes had been.  “You’d be wonderful, Thrax.  I know you would.  And I’d be wonderful for you.  I knew that as soon as you came across that bridge and joined me on the platform.  I thought, ‘Here is not just the father of my child.  Here’s the best lover I’ll ever have.’

 I still believe that.  But for something that special, it has to be mutual—mutual in every way.  If we’re only together in one way, it won’t be everything it ought to be.  So we’re both going to have to think hard about what it is we want.”

Agena rose from the table, and Thrax gallantly rose with her.  She told him, “We need some time to ourselves, to think it over.  I’m sorry you’re in this position, Thrax.  I wish I could release you from it completely.  But I really hoped I could be something besides just your duty.  I’ll be on my side of the suite.  Good night, Thrax.”

“Good night, Agena,” he replied.  He wanted to tell her to sleep well, but he knew that she would sleep no better than he would tonight.

Thrax watched her step off the balcony and into the suite, and the sinking of his heart matched the sinking of the orange Lacertan sun on the horizon far beyond the grounds of the Chateau.  And if the truth be told, his heart was not the only part of Thrax that was sinking.  Some other part of him, down lower on his body, felt the same way.

The deep blue and pink sky of twilight yielded to the violet-blue of dusk and finally to star-dappled indigo.  Thrax sat back down at the table and looked out over the grounds, now shining with the golden lights of the night. 

A soft, warm wind stirred the trees and blew over the balcony, and Thrax thought he could just barely hear the moans of some couple’s thrashing ardor somewhere nearby.  He multiplied that soft but urgent sound by however many other couples must surely be conjoining at the Chateau at this moment.  And in spite of everything, he wished that he and Agena were joining them. 

*

Agena sat up in bed, feeling as dejected and morose as it was possible for her to be.

It had all been going so well.  Thrax had been a bit formal at first, yes.  And he had been mannered and courtly and decorous.  She had accepted that, even found it charming.  He was a Knight of Lacerta, after all, and they generally had a way of comporting themselves.  Mighty warriors that they were, the Lacertan Knights also tended to be the very soul of civility and dignity.  She had learned that from those of Thrax’s peers that she had known.