The Surrogate

“What else did you talk about?” Esther asked painfully, trying not to cry as her dead husband added to the mountain of emotions inside of her.

She was ready to burst, but Esther held her tongue as Archibald answered, “You.”

“Me?”

“We both had wanted to size the other up. After you were honest with Josh about seeing me at the funeral, he knew that I would be the only threat to your marriage, and I agreed. But Essie, the way he talked about you… was like nothing I had ever seen! He lit up when talked about your work. He was so excited for your job in D.C. He was ready to follow you to the ends of the earth, but all I wanted was for you to follow me. I had wanted to keep you. I was horrified with myself, and before I left that day I promised him that I would stay away. I gave him a card to a real estate agent in D.C. who worked for our company, promising I would foot the bill of whatever place you chose. I promised to stay away from you, and in return I only wanted him to never reveal that we met. It was to be our secret.”

Suddenly, Esther was horrified. Josh had been the one person who had never lied to her. But was omission really a lie?

“You gave me that house in D.C.? You bought the townhome in Eastern Market?”

“I was surprised he went so cheap. I thought a Georgetown townhome would have been more fitting.”

“He told me his family gave him that money.”

“Well, he kept his word to me.”

“Because you matter more than me?!” Esther nearly shrieked.

“Hey!” Archie put his strong hands on her shoulders as she shot out of her chair. “What would have done if he told you? Would have married him before your big move? Would have had Grace?”

“Yes!” Esther cried out. “That made no difference about whether I had Grace or not!”

“How do you even know that?”

“Because Grace is your daughter!” Esther was sobbing as she yelled out her words. Tears ruined her makeup as she watched Archie’s eyes go wider than ever before. Watching him sink down into his chair, she kept spilling everything out. “He thought he could not even have kids, but he never told me. He didn’t want to know that Grace was yours. I guess I didn’t want to either.”

“Daughter?” Archie said in a dumbstruck tone.

His silence left Esther anxious, and so she kept rambling. Staring at the fire as Esther felt unable to look at Archie any longer, she cried while she continued explaining herself.

“At Thanksgiving, I looked at you two, and something in me clicked on like a faulty light I finally got working. I had never even considered it, but Josh’s mother told me this afternoon. Maybe it was the pact you made, or maybe he thought it was his only chance of being a father. Roberta thinks he just did not want to believe anything else. He was too happy to care. I don’t really know, but please just don’t hate me for this. All these years, and you never knew her. I wouldn’t bear it.”

Esther fell to her knees, and cried into her hands wiping away the mascara on her face. She could feel the heat of the fire and the heat of her embarrassment at that display.

None of this conversation had turned out like she had hoped.

None of this pregnancy had turned out like either of them had wanted.

“Hate you?” Archie said skeptically.

“All these years I have been in the city. All these years you could have known, but I wallowed in my loss and kept my distance. For what?!”

The room was quiet. It was a long time before either of them said anything else. Her embarrassing crying subsided, but the tears still dripped off her face. Esther breathed deeply, and Archie finally broke the silence.

“How could I ever hate you, Esther?”

Archie’s disembodied words caused her to look up. Forcing herself to look in his eyes, she saw that same unconditional love that she always had ignored. He offered her a tissue to wipe the black streaks off her cheeks, and then he threw it in the fire for her. Embers crackled as the fire became just a bit brighter.

“Do you know how much I love you, Archie?” Esther asked as she finally was able to stop her tears completely. “Do you know how much it hurt to say goodbye to you?”

“Well you know, it wasn’t our time, Essie,” Archie mused, while taking her hand in his.

Esther offered a small smile as he helped her onto her feet and responded with, “Maybe now is…”

Her voice trailed off because her eyes were slowly getting lost in his. Esther’s walls were down, and in that fragile moment she felt that finally she could giver herself over to him completely. He took a step toward her, closing the small space between them. He took his free hand, and placed it against her cheek.

Eyes closed and heart open, he kissed her fully and deeply on the lips. There were no polite kisses on the cheek or hand anymore. Esther could feel his urgency, and taste the alcohol on his lips. She had not had a drop of liquor in so long that the lingering taste alone seemed intoxicating, but it was this single kiss that made her feel like she was flying. At these new heights, oxygen seemed to thin out, and Esther felt desperate for Archie as everything about her lightened. He was suddenly as vital to her as the very air around them, which was growing hotter and hotter by the moment.

Her fingers were still cold, but her body was burning. She needed a release, but as Archie pulled away it seemed that Esther was not going to get her satisfaction. He smiled wickedly, and Esther could see Archie’s lips were red with her lipstick. His face was flushed and he was left more than a bit breathless. It was a sight to see for her.

“Can I take you somewhere?” Archie asked, still trying to catch his breath.

Esther was confused and skeptical. Something about it seemed like she should say no, but Esther was in no place to refuse him. He could ask for the world. He could ask for her soul. All of it Esther would give over gladly.

Esther finally remembered. “Aren’t you supposed to be leaving for your cousin’s?”

“It doesn’t matter. She cancelled my trip for me.”

Esther finally agreed with, “All right.”

“It’s going to be about an hour drive. Would you like some tea or water before we go?”

Esther shook her head, saying, “Let me just wash my face. I’m sure I look insane.”

He nodded and added, “I think you look fine.”

“You’re biased, Archibald.”

He shrugged, knowing it was true. Esther went to the nearest powder room just across the hall and splashed cold water on her face. Examining herself in the gilded mirror with water still running down the porcelain sink, Esther could tell all her makeup from the day was gone. The drive would hopefully let some of these feelings calm, but Esther decided she was glad for the rouge to be gone. She felt bare inside and out; her skin now reflecting how her emotions had suddenly rubbed her raw.

It was the first time in a long while that Esther left herself exposed.