The Surrogate

Esther’s heart twisted up inside her as the shock of the statement sent her soul in every direction at once. She clutched her mug of hot red tea tightly between her hands.

“What do you mean?”

“He never wanted you to worry, but when he was about thirteen he had cancer. That year was so terrifying for the whole family, but he made it through just fine of course. He was brave the whole time, and when the tests were finally over he knew that there was a snowball’s chance in hell that he would ever be able to have children. The doctors told us that was a reality of the experimental treatments they used to give him his life back. It was why he chose to leave you all those years ago, but after a few weeks without you and your mother passing he just felt he had to go back. He knew you needed each other.”

Esther had seen the pictures long ago in dusty photo albums on family visits to Louisiana, but the look on Josh’s face when he saw them told her never to ask too many questions. She could still see the pain in his eyes, but know she knew why the hidden wounds were there.

“Why did he never tell me?” Esther asked softy.

“Well, Joshua liked to believe it was a miracle. As a grown man, he never went to a doctor about it to see if he was shooting blanks as they say. He didn’t want to know that baby girl was not his. I remember when you had finally gotten to sleep after delivering that baby, and she still had no name because she was born too early for you to pick a name. He sat with me in the lounge, holding that tiny little thing, and said, ‘Momma, by the very grace of God, I have a daughter.’ Right then, he went and got a nurse to write down her name.”

Esther felt the tears on her face, and wiping them away Roberta came around the small counter to hold her tight. Everything about the woman was soft. Her soft locks, her fuzzy cardigan over the cotton dress, and her body was just cushioned enough to make her feel like a warm firm pillow. The woman pulled a tissue from her pocket and wiped off Esther’s cheeks.

“Thank you,” Esther offered weakly.

Roberta’s eyes were still warm with her smile. “Some things are better left unsaid, but it was time you knew them too. You know, angel, I have nine grandchildren: three by my eldest boy, a set of triplets by my eldest girl, two adopted by my flamboyantly gay son and his partner, and one who was not my baby boy’s. They all are very special to me. Like Jesus, I love them all just the same.”

Esther sighed. “I know, Roberta. Still… what do I tell Archie? What do I tell Grace?”

“Well, don’t tell them together!” she exclaimed jokingly to lighten the mood in the apartment. “But, Esther dear, Joshua would want you to be happy.”

They both laughed lightly as rain began to hit the tall windows near them. Pattering lightly against the glass, Esther felt unsure of what to do with this information, but for the first time in a long while she could feel her husband’s love again. Deep inside her, the comforting reassurance he once gave her for a nearly a decade burned like candlelight in her heart. She did not know how she was going to do it, but Esther knew what she had to do.