The Surrogate

He asked all about you, Esther. I think he misses you.

It was the fall before their big winter holiday together. Esther could not believe she had forgotten so much of her youth. It seemed her focus on the present had pushed the past out of her mind. Back then, the conversation bothered her for days. She had been dreaming of Archie that November, worried about him. Her friends listened, but they could not understand what kept her fixated on this rich kid in Europe. The nurse returned, taking away the breakfast tray.

“Are you ready for your walk, Louis?”

He smiled, standing slowly. “I think I would like my family to take me out to the gardens today.”

She nodded. “I will be looking for you in about an hour then.”

“Gotta keep my schedule.” Louis nodded as he held his arm to Esther and adjusted his weight on his antique wooden cane. “You coming, baby girl?”

Wandering through the rose garden, Esther led her father through the brick paths. His cane tapped along the hard surface in a slow and steady pace. Their speed was comfortable, allowing for Louis to enjoy the air and plant life. Even Esther appreciated the moment in the quiet. New York City parks were not even this serene in her eyes. Instead, she could focus on the soft feel of Louis’s well-loved cardigan that was like cashmere underneath Esther’s fingertips. Grace walked ahead, saying hello to her grandfather’s neighbors with her music playing into an earbud in her right ear. According to Grace, she was memorizing the cadence of her favorite performance from some European philharmonic. Esther had just smiled and nodded.

The roses were not in season, but the evergreen holly bushes and other evergreens added some color to the green space around them. Young maples offered up different warm hues to color the cloudy sky. However, the inlet on which the home was built provided the best view of the sea. It was what had drawn both Esther and Louis to this place.

In the near distance, reclaimed wood beams from long-forgotten ships made up the boardwalk over the water. Ducks socialized with the older people throwing even older bread out to them. Nurses and aids watched the community members dutifully. As Esther looked on the entire scene, she could tell the cadence of life here was so much smoother than her own. She suddenly longed to be in her seventies with pregnancy and menopause long behind.

Except that was not an option.

“I want to talk more about this baby business,” Louis announced in his firm but compassionate tone.

Louis Boudreaux had never been one to mince words or be afraid of broaching possibly uncomfortable territory. Esther had inherited the trait, but she still knew the look on her father’s face and quickly wished it was not there.

“Dad,” she sighed, while suddenly feeling like an adolescent all over again.

“I’m just curious as why you were so scared to tell me. You had already made up your mind. The deed was already done. It seems like you should be confident in your choice, and I’m just an old man who spends his days playing cards and buttering up nurses for extra dessert!”

Esther laughed. “You are my father. You aren’t exactly a progressive man when I was growing up.”

“And you’re my baby girl, but that does not change that you are grown now. Even if that’s much to my dismay. I would have kept you little forever. Also, I was more modern than you give me credit for. I remember your mother ringing her hands like a wet towel when you got into college. She was scared to see you go, but I knew my baby bird had to fly.”

“As long as I wore a turtleneck everyday I was gone?”

“Can you blame me for wanting for the world to see your smile and your clever mind first and foremost? You’re an angel. I thought the world should see it too.”

Esther blushed, embarrassed about how her father gushed over her after all those years. They stopped to admire the flock of ducks taking off the water moving to another part of the shoreline. Esther smiled thinking of a joke.

“I know you wanted to keep me small, Dad. It wouldn’t have meant that you would have stayed young too.”

Louis chuckled. “Damn, you figured me out.”

Both laughing, Esther finally asked, “If you were secretly cool all this time and happy for me now, why am I so worried?”

“You’re like your mother. You worry.”

“That cannot be all of it.”

“I don’t think I can really answer that question for you.”

Esther groaned. “Why not?”

“Because you are a grown woman! Didn’t we just go through this? I thought I was the senile one.”

“You aren’t senile, Dad. Just forgetful.”

“Well, forgetting to eat and change clothes is what puts you in places like this.”

“Is it so bad here?”

He smiled. “No. It’s even nicer with family, but it’s too bad we don’t have our lake house anymore. I could teach the baby to swim and fish like I taught you there.”

“Well, it wasn’t fair to the house to sit unloved. Isn’t that what you said?”

He nodded. “As long as you love someone, baby girl, the house or the place doesn’t matter.”

Esther took his words to heart, and continued leading them around the looping gardens. Louis was vague with his wisdom, but Esther knew what he meant. She felt like they were having a dozen conversations at once with all that seemed to weigh on her heart. It also didn’t help that her father had become more cryptic with old age thanks to the early stages of his dementia. How had they even this started this conversation? Still, the only conversation that mattered was the one that occurred each time she looked at the reflection of herself. With the blessing of her father and daughter, Esther now only needed approval from herself.

“Now,” Louis said interrupting her thoughts. “Let’s talk about plans for your new little baby.”