The Man Who Saved Me

So she drew back, finally, and smiled at him again.

“Of course you did. And of course you will. Well, you should be good to drive, still, but you’ll be careful, won’t you? Take a shower if you like. I have clean underwear and a shirt for you.”

But Adam stood up and started dressing, and that was even more distance between them.

Still, she couldn’t help saying it. She couldn’t help asking, just once again. Could it be too much, just to ask again?

“Are you sure you have to leave? You have a change of clothes here. You could stay and go to work from here.”

He hesitated again. She knew she was foolish to take hope from something as simple as hesitation.

“I can’t. I need to go home,” said Adam, and Shonali felt the words stab through her, right to her core.

She couldn’t believe how much it hurt.

But she made herself smile.

“Well, it was worth a try. Anything else we need to do before you leave?”

Her words were too bright. Her eyes had gone glittering hard, like diamonds, because the only way to shield herself from the worst of the pain until she was alone was to harden herself as much as she could.

Even then, it might not be enough.

But she wouldn’t ask him to stay. She knew that he needed to go. She just wished that he needed her half as much as she needed him.

Her problem, not his, she reminded herself as he showered, changed, and left.

When he kissed her before leaving, she had to clench her hands into tense fists to keep from clinging to him and begging him to stay.

When she waved and closed the door behind him, she waited a few moments before she walked to the bedroom and, through the window, watched him get into his car and drive away.

Even his car was sensible, thought Shonali.

Somehow, that felt depressing to her, too.

Everything about him seemed to be perfectly sensible.

She didn’t want him to be like that. She wanted him to let go and declare that he needed her, that he would give everything up for her.

But she had noticed that he didn’t form close bonds with anybody. Everybody liked him, and he got along with everybody just fine. But he didn’t form the kind of bonds that tugged at you, that kept you close to home.

Nothing that might become roots.

It saddened her, to know that he lived like that. He deserved so much more. He deserved so much better.

But it was his life, and they were his choices.

She was only responsible for her own, and she had chosen to give her heart to a man who wanted no roots.

She had come to understand that, at least a bit. She knew now why he didn’t form attachments.

His family hadn’t taught him how.

Even if she had never been completely understood by her own, they had always made it clear that they loved her, and they had always let her be herself.

She was beginning to realize that these were luxuries that Adam had never been allowed. It made her sad.

He had worked to overcome all of those obstacles by being as compassionate as possible, without getting too close.

She could respect him for that.

She did respect him for that.

But that didn’t help her now, when her heart was breaking because the man she loved was leaving her, but she couldn’t even tell him the words that were filling her heart and threatening to spill over.

Her heart was breaking because she knew that he didn’t want to hear those words.

Her heart was breaking because he didn’t love her. She knew he didn’t.

He wasn’t ready for love, and she wasn’t sure if he would ever be.

She had to understand that, because she loved him. He hadn’t asked for that.

She could only love him and let him go, because he needed to go.

*****

Adam felt uncomfortable, because he felt like a coward.

He did have an early surgery. But he could’ve made it just fine even if he’d gone to work from Shonali’s place.

He knew why he hadn’t.

He had been running away from her. He’d been trying to run away from all the things she seemed to pull from inside him, just by being her.

But now that he was home, he had a feeling that he had been trying to run away from himself. All of those feelings were still there.

For once, something was asking him why he wasn’t staying home.

That had never happened before.

It terrified him.

He didn’t want ties. Ties never helped. If you cared too much about an individual, you ended up getting hurt. Care instead about everybody, and you could do your best without expectations.

Adam had spent his whole life according to that philosophy, and it had served him well. But now, it all felt empty, because he was leaving Shonali – warm, lovely, giving, brave Shonali – behind, and that felt like he was leaving a huge part of himself behind.

He would get through this, he told himself. He would – and life would go on.

But he didn’t sound nearly as sure of it as he wanted to be.