The Heart Wants What It Wants

Chapter 12

“Are you sure you don’t want to come? It’ll do you good. It’ll be a distraction.”

Diana shook her head.

“No, I really don’t want to be around so many people. Thanks, though, Alex. I need to figure out what else I have to send back, and get in touch with Thomas and get an idea of how much money I owe, and finish everything I need to do before I can move on.”

“Di, I don’t think you can move on like that, on demand. It’s not something you order online.”

“I can erase everything that reminds me of him from my life.”

“How? You can send all the jewelry back, but there’s your car. And there are your memories, Di. No matter what you do, you won’t be able to send your memories back.”

“They’re fake. All my memories are fake. I thought they meant things they didn’t mean. Everything that made them special was fake. I can move on.”

“I know you can. I know you will. But I think you should give yourself some time, focus on school, and work, and see how things go. You can’t just move on like that because you want to. It wouldn’t be called heartbreak if you could just stick a band aid on it and pretend nothing happened.”

“I’m not pretending nothing happened.”

Alex sighed.

“I know. However you need to do this, I’m here for you. Are you really sure you don’t want to come?”

“I’m really, really sure. I need to…”

Diana waved her hands around, but all she had to do was fold freshly laundered clothes.

“I’ll iron your clothes, too,” said Diana on a whim that she knew she would regret because she hated ironing clothes.

“You know I buy clothes that don’t need to be ironed. Now, do I have everything? Yes, I do. I have everything. I think. Trevor is coming next month, by the way.”

“You’ve been saying that for…”

“I know, he’s cancelled three times, but he’s finally coming. He sent me his ticket to be sure. I think that might cheer you up.”

“Yes, the only good guy I’ve ever dated. Still gay, right?”

“Still gay,” said Alex with a grin, and she waved and rushed out, as she always did.

“Wait, Alex, you forgot–”

There was no point. Alex was gone. Well, Alex would have to survive without her power bank for a few hours.

And she hadn’t locked the door, had she? No, she hadn’t. Well, it wasn’t like anybody was going to burst in and hold her for ransom. She’d fold a few clothes and then when she got up to make herself a sandwich, she would…

There was a knock on the door.

“Alex? You forgot your power bank,” said Diana, but when the door opened, it wasn’t Alex.

It was George.

Everything in her went completely still. She registered, vaguely, that she looked terrible. Her hair was messy and hadn’t been washed in five days, and was bundled on top of her head. She was wearing a very old and rather raggedy old T-shirt and sweatpants that had last held shape about seven years ago. She was barefoot.

But none of that really registered because George was standing there, in front of her. She let her eyes drink in the sight of him as if she was dying of thirst, because she couldn’t help herself. She had missed him. She had missed looking at him, knowing she was breathing the same air as he was.

He looked like he had lost some weight. His hair was a little disheveled. Was the grey more prominent now? He looked tired, as if he hadn’t been sleeping well, and he looked like he hadn’t shaved that day. She’d never known him to not shave in the morning, meticulously.

He was a fastidious man.

He didn’t look like himself.

“Diana,” he said, finally, and he said her name as if it was a prayer.

“George, what are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“Did you think you could hide from me?”

He strode towards her, would have pulled her into his arms, but she shied away from him. She wanted to hold him, have him hold her, but self-preservation was strong, finally. She couldn’t let him touch her, not if she wanted to survive and move on. If he touched her, she’d never move on. She knew that.

“I wasn’t hiding. There’s nothing between us. There should be no reason to hide from you.”

“Nothing between us?”

One more step, and he had her in his arms. She pushed away from him, but her body betrayed her, seeking his skin, his warmth, the illusion of safety he provided. She wanted his heart beating against hers.

Just for a minute. For one minute, she could pretend, couldn’t she?

No. No, she couldn’t. It took everything she had, but she pushed away from him, and looked him squarely in the eye. He was looking at her in that way he had, that way she had thought meant something so special, but now she knew that it meant nothing. He had never seen her heart or her soul. She should remember that. She should hold on to that.

She needed to survive.

“I need you to leave, George.”

“No. I’m not leaving without you.”

“Please.”

“Listen. Just… Listen to me, all right? Five minutes. Give me five minutes.”

Diana looked away. She needed him to leave as much as she wanted to hold on to him and never let him go. But she couldn’t fight. She didn’t have the energy to fight.

“Five minutes,” she agreed.

What harm could it do? What more could hurt her?

She didn’t look at him. She couldn’t.

“I’m sorry, Diana.”

“It’s all right. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“No. No, I do. I’m sorry. I knew what you wanted. You might not have sat me down and given me a list, but you never hid what you wanted from your life. I pretended not to see. I pretended, because if I admitted that I could see it, then I couldn’t justify staying with you.”

Had he come back to hurt her all over again? Was this supposed to give her closure?

She didn’t want closure. She wanted him.

She couldn’t have him.

“I was wrong.”

Diana sighed.

“It’s all right. If you need forgiveness, you can have it. It’s fine.”

“No, please. Let me finish. After you left, I thought you would come back. I thought you were being silly, losing your temper. You had plenty of time. You’re young, you could spend time with me, have fun with me, and then move on and have your plan back. I thought of it all. You could stay with me for a few more months, a year, maybe two, and you would still have time to find a man who would want marriage and a family.”