The Heart Wants What It Wants

Chapter 11

Diana stretched, feeling better, when she woke up.

She’d been silly to listen to gossip, obviously. You never heard anything good about yourself if you listened to gossip, that was just how life was. She should have known better.

She reached for George, but he wasn’t there.

She needed to go, though. She had a lot of classwork to catch up on, and she needed…

Getting up, she pulled a robe on – he’d bought the robe for her, to keep at his home, and she was chose to see things like that as a better indication of where their relationship was headed than idle gossip in the powder room – and decided that she would make breakfast that morning. Sure, she wasn’t the best cook, and George was definitely the better cook, but she could still make very good French toast, with cinnamon, and she could…

“Don’t be silly, Estelle. It’s not like that.”

Diana smiled and walked to the coffee machine, careful not to disturb George.

It was his sister, of course. Estelle was one of the few people George trusted. She’d never met her, but then she and her family were in Spain. Maybe someday soon, they could take a trip to Spain and see them. Sure, they hadn’t really talked about their relationship and taking steps like that, but they hadn’t talked about how she would spend weekends at his place, and how he’d make sure she had toiletries and a robe and casual clothes at his place, and…

“Estelle, stop. I’m never getting married again. I’m afraid what makes you happy won’t make me happy. I’m fine with my life how it is. You’ve got to understand that at some point. You and I are different and we want different things in life. That’s all there is to it. I have no idea why you want to be tied down to one man and I have no idea why he wants you just as much but I have no intention of getting stuck in a life like that.”

Diana carefully put down the coffee mug she had just taken.

He was out on the deck. He hadn’t heard her getting up. She was earlier than she usually woke up. His absence had awakened her.

She must have misunderstood.

But there had been nothing to misunderstand. There had been nothing…

Where were the tears? Her entire world, all her dreams and plans that she’d dared to make, had come crashing down around her, and she couldn’t find tears.

She had to leave.

Moving carefully, deliberately, as if she couldn’t risk moving fast in case she fell apart, she made her way back to the bedroom and looked around. Did she have anything there that was hers? Did she have anything that was just hers?

The clothes she had worn – he’d bought them. She looked, frantic to find something that belonged to her and only her, and nearly cried in relief when she found an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Good, she had clothes to wear.

Sometime during the search, the tears had come, and now they wouldn’t stop falling.

Fool, she had been such a fool. She had fallen in love, and she had thought that he was falling in love, too. Wishful thinking. She had made such a fool of herself, all over silly wishful thinking. She had destroyed her happiness for it.

She needed to leave. She had to get out. She had to—

“Diana?”

She turned around, her hair and eyes wild, like a cornered animal.

“Diana, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Yes. Yes, something happened. I fell in love with you.”

He went still. Those eyes that she loved, those piercing blue eyes that could see through her soul – how could they be surprised now? How had he not seen? He hadn’t wanted to see, or he would have. She knew it.

“Diana, what’s going on?”

“I fell in love with you. Now I have to leave.”

“You are not making any sense.”

“I know. I know I’m not. It was not part of your plan, was it? You told me that, ages ago. I decided to interpret it creatively, I guess. I knew you wouldn’t fall in love because you didn’t believe in it. How can you do something, be open to something, if you don’t believe it exists? But I believe, and I fell in love. I thought maybe if I loved you enough, you would find a way to love me, too, but… But it’s not like that. Yesterday, at the party – it’s strange, it’s the first time I was ever surrounded by so many people who knew you so well, and they were all sniggering behind my back. Because I was just the latest in a long line of girls who would fall in love with you, and I wasn’t even the best of them. I thought they didn’t know what they were talking about, but they did, didn’t they? I’m the one who was clueless.”

“I never made any promises, Diana.”

“I know. I know you didn’t. Of course you didn’t. You’re a man of your word. If you gave your word, you’d keep it. That’s why you’ve always been very careful not to give your word. It’s great strategy, isn’t it? But everything you did, everything you gave me, I thought they meant something. Didn’t you know? Didn’t you know that I was falling in love with you, with every touch, with every kiss? When you cooked for me, when you invited me home, when you made me feel so special, did you think I wouldn’t fall in love?”

“I never said anything about love.”

“I know that! I know you didn’t! I’m not saying you did. But I fell in love, and it’s all my fault, but I have to go because you don’t believe in love.”

“Love! It’s a fool’s game. It’s a story for people who don’t believe in life! I can give you everything you want. I have given you everything you want.”

Diana went completely still, even if the tears still flowed.

“I gave you my heart, my soul, even if you didn’t ask for it. I never asked for any of what you gave me, either. I won’t keep any of it. I don’t know how I can take my heart and my soul back from you, but I’ll try my damn best. I will not keep a single thing you gave me. Not a single thing. I cannot be bought. I cannot be sold. I’m a person. I’m a foolish woman, but I’m still a person. It was never the things I wanted from you. The things were never why I was with you. I wanted you. I was with you because of you.”

“That is nonsense.”

“Is that all you think of yourself? For all that Forbes has told you, I value you more than anybody else ever has. Or you value yourself! I think you’re worth more than all the money in the world. I’d give it all up to have you. But it’s not my choice, is it? You don’t love me because you don’t believe in love.”

“Diana, you’re being dramatic. Stop it. Be sensible. We have a good thing going. It makes us both happy. Don’t ruin it. There will be no coming back if you ruin it.”

Diana shook her head.

“We had the illusion of a good thing going. You thought you had a woman who was happy with what you were willing to give. I thought I had a man who was willing to give much more. We had nothing. All we had were dreams. They’ve been broken. I’m leaving, George. There will be no coming back. I won’t come back.”

Oh, the words sounded dramatic and adequate as she walked away, as she grabbed what stuff was hers and left, but they left her empty. She was struggling to believe them. They couldn’t be true. How could they be true? How could this be happening to her? She was supposed to live happily ever after. Wasn’t that what her story was supposed to be?

She had wanted love, and forever, and devotion, and family. She would have given up the house in the suburbs and the easy life she’d wanted, the simple life. For him, she would have given that up.

But not if she couldn’t have him, either. Not if he held such a big part of himself away from her. What was the point?

She got her car – the car he had fixed up for her, she would have to figure out how much it cost and how to pay it back, she would not be indebted to him – and found herself driving to the place that was home.

Where Alex was.

That was home.

Alex, the one person who had always been there for her, who would always be there for her.