The Bear’s Mail Order Menage

That took him by surprise. Over the span of decades the two men had spent together, Joshua had never heard Andrew really own up to anything. He was quick to point the finger in any other direction that suited him or, and this was more likely, to just pretend like nothing had ever happened at all.

He would kick the sh*t out of you one night and the next morning pour you a bowl of cereal like you were best friends. Even if you tried to mention a conflict, to work it out in some way or another, he would just laugh and shrug, like he didn’t even know what you were talking about. No responsibilities, no apologies. He lived his life on his own terms.

For him to say something like “all of it was me” was monumental. That was him taking on the weight of the world. It was enough to shut Joshua up and so he just stood there, his chest heaving, looking at his mother and the brother he wasn’t sure he really knew at all. He wasn’t going to speak. He wasn’t going to leave like he had planned, but he wasn’t going to speak.

If Andrew wanted to hash things out, let him do the talking for once. It was about time, after all of these years. He seemed to sense that, too, because he started to take small, cautious steps towards him, his hands held up in the air palms forward in a gesture of truce.

“It was. I know it was. I think I knew it even when I was doing it, ok? Josh? Ok? It was wrong, what I did.”

“Joshua?”

His mother was moving forward as well, her face pained and full of a poorly concealed grief. She said his name so quietly he could hardly hear her and when he looked to his father he saw tears in the man’s eyes. So much pain. This family had been through so much pain that there just wasn’t any room for more. He could hold onto this hurt, lock the grudge away in his heart like something precious he only broke out for special occasions, but where would that get him? Where would that get any of them?

Besides, he wasn’t the type for that sort of thing. His father was right. When he loved someone he loved them till death did them part. That was as true of Andrew as it was of anyone else in his life. And he knew he needed him. At the end of the day, that was something he couldn’t ignore. He needed him now.

“It’s ok, mom. I’m not going to do anything stupid. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”

“Don’t be sorry, son. Just mend things. Please, for all of us.”

He looked at Andrew, still walking towards him, and gritted his teeth. He was still fighting that anger, still biting it back. It was something that could really take hold of a person. It got to be comfortable, almost to where it felt more good than bad. But he bit it back anyway and he knew that he would never hurt this man.

“Andrew, I shouldn’t have done what I did. I know that. Neither of us should. We let you down. I know it. She did too.”

“No. No, man. You didn’t. It was fun, you know? I had fun. I enjoyed her, but I didn’t love her and not because she wasn’t good enough. Truth be told, she’s probably too good for me. She’s definitely too complicated, I know that much for sure.”

“But the way we went about it-”

“Was no worse than the way I would have done things. Sh*t, what’s the good way to do a thing like that? I didn’t get mad because of the way you did it.”

“Then what was it? I’ve gotta say, I don’t get it. If you don’t love her and it wasn’t us doing it behind your back, then what was it?”

“Sh*t, I don’t know how to say it. You know I hate this sh*t, man. I don’t talk about sh*t like this.”

“Try.”

“I didn’t want to get left behind, alright?”

He shouted the words out with all of the force his lungs would allow and they just hung there in the air, trapped in the dead silence that fell in their wake. He looked so lost, so angry, and the last of Joshua’s animosity was washed away. Because that was the real fear all of the time for Andrew. Joshua knew it, even if it was something they never spoke of. He could see why what had been going on between him and Alina would bring that out in the worst kind of way and although it didn’t make losing her any easier, it was important to have that kind of understanding.

“I didn’t want to be left behind. I could see what was coming. I knew how things were going for you two. But I still don’t feel right, man. I still feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin and having her around didn’t fix it. I was so mad about that. If her being here didn’t fix it, what will? And then I was going to lose you, too. I don’t know. I just snapped. I fu*ked up. I fu*ked it all up.”

He was standing right in front of Joshua now, only an arm’s length in front of him, and Joshua closed that space in a hurry. He wrapped his arms around him in a hug he hoped was fierce enough to say the things he simply couldn’t. It was enough. Everything wasn’t perfect, but they were still brothers and that was the most important thing.

“I love you, ok? You know that, right?”

“I know. Me too.”

“So what now?”

Joshua let Andrew go and sat down heavily at the kitchen table. His father slid his glass back to him with a beer on the side for good measure. Andrew and his mother sat down as well, his mother even accepting a drink as well. They were a family again, there was that much, but there was still the elephant in the room. Alina was gone and Joshua felt nothing but black inside. He didn’t know where to go from here.