Love’s Gamble

“I need to talk to you about something before we go on,” said Freema.

“What?” asked Ken, looking at her with an earnest innocence that only someone like him could muster.

“You haven’t told me yet,” said Freema. “You haven’t told me yet about your wife. I need to know.”

Ken looked at her, his expression inscrutable. “Is it really that important to you?”

“Yes,” said Freema. “It really is.”

Ken sighed and then said, “It is not a particularly pleasant story. I… I don’t know if you would like it.”

“I don’t have to like it,” said Freema. “I just need to hear it. I just need to know what your story is. This is an important part of your life, and knowing about it will…”

Freema could not continue. She did not know how to tell Ken the real reason she wanted to hear this story. She wanted to hear it because it involved Ken getting hurt. His ex wife had been the last person to hurt him. Freema wanted to know if there were any similarities between his ex wife and her.

“I found her one night,” said Ken, “cheating on me. With my best friend, no less.”

Freema was utterly shocked. Ken continued, “They were… in the throes when I got there. Got home, I mean. They were doing it in my bed. In our bed. I was shocked, I was horrified, but at the end of the day there was nothing really that I could do. Or so I thought. I was a rather weak person, you see. I always just swallowed my anger, I always made myself the secondary person in pretty much every single conflict. And I couldn’t bring myself to be angry with her. She left me. Isn’t that ridiculous? After cheating on me, she was the one that left me. I can’t even begin to describe how humiliating that was. There, now you have it. You have my sob story. It’s not that different from all of the other sob stories of the world, now is it?”

“Oh Ken,” said Freema. “I am so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am… I just… I just wanted to know. I’m sorry…”

She was starting to weep. She didn’t know how to feel about this. She was primarily concerned about the fact that she was afraid of committing to something even more now. She was afraid of hurting Ken. He had already been hurt so severely before, what if she ended up hurting him too? It would destroy him, surely it would. Ken was a good person, a truly good person who cared for others. In spite of the fact that he had had his heart broken so thoroughly, he still chose to love again. He chose not to be bitter, he chose not to be needlessly pessimistic.

And then there was Freema. Unable to think of herself as someone that could truly commit to something. She was a disaster in truth, there was no other way to put it. She didn’t know how she would be able to live with herself if she ended up hurting Ken.

Ken reached out to her, concerned by the fact that she was crying. Freema flinched away from his touch. “I’m sorry,” she said, starting to sob, her shoulders heaving as she did so. “I am so sorry…”

“Honey, what’s wrong?” asked Ken. His hands were on her face. His gentle, loving hands, hands that would never do anything to hurt her. Oh, but the things she could do to hurt him, things that she might just end up doing without even realizing it.

Freema got up. “I have to go,” she said.

“Where are you going?” asked Ken.

“Anywhere, I do not know,” said Freema. “Back to work,” she said, suddenly realizing that it was past her lunch break and she had to have been at work five minutes ago.

“Listen,” said Ken, “I am sorry that I upset you so much. I didn’t mean to. I mean, you were the one that asked to hear what happened, right? It’s not so bad, when she divorced me she had to pay a settlement and I used that to get the restaurant. It’s not so bad, baby!”

Freema could only sob. She had no words to describe her grief. She had no words to describe her fear, or her guilt. She was consumed by the fact that she was unsure of what she wanted in life. To run away, to stay with Ken? Running away from Ken, staying and hurting Ken? What was she to do? What did she even want? Was everyone this confused about what they wanted?

She wanted to explain to him how she felt, she wanted to tell him everything, but she couldn’t, not just then. She sobbed as she left Ken’s office, and she sobbed as she left the restaurant and headed back to work. And in all that time, Ken only stood there utterly confused. He did not know what had just happened. He could tell, however, that this was the start of something bad. He could tell that this was the start of something that might just end up destroying the fragile happiness that he had barely managed to create with Freema. He was filled with preemptive grief. He rushed to his phone and tried to call Freema but she did not answer. He did not know what to do. He wanted her back, he wanted to fix things. The only problem was that he had no idea what he was supposed to fix.