Love’s Gamble

She realized that it was up to her to handle this. She realized that she was not going to be able to rest easy in her relationship until she came clean to her boyfriend. However, at the same time, her relationship had only lasted for a month so far. She was starting to feel like she would be rocking the boat by mentioning something so heavy so early on in the relationship. She was confused, completely and utterly confused, and she did not know where to turn. She did not know who could possibly give her advice in her time of need. She thought of Hwan, her best friend out of all of the friends she had, and she realized that she did not trust him. She realized that she would never be able to talk to him about this openly, she would need to talk to somebody, anybody, else.

And yet, there was no one that she could think of who she trusted enough. She was not used to feeling so intensely, she was not used to being so vulnerable. And she did not think that there was anyone in the world that she wanted to reveal this vulnerability to. Being so vulnerable in front of Ken was already a huge step for her, and Freema was not sure if she was going to be able to do anything about it just yet.

She went to the restaurant to meet Ken for lunch. A month had gone by, and their relationship seemed, for the most part, perfectly normal. However, the inner turmoil that Freema was feeling incessantly was taking its toll on her. She was starting to feel like it might spill over at any second and ruin the happiness that she had started to feel with Ken.

“Hey sweetie,” said Ken, giving Freema a light peck on her lips and hugging her when she came into the Totoya. When he hugged her, she was consumed by the smell of him. It was such a delicious smell, so soft and gentle just like the man it was coming from. She liked that he did not try to smell overly masculine. He smelled like oranges from his shower gel. He didn’t feel the need to bolster his masculinity by doing things like using those awful shower gels that did not smell good at all, and this was a testament to the fact that he felt comfortable in his skin.

“Hey,” said Freema, smiling at him. “How is work going?”

“Pretty damn great!” said Ken with a wide smile. “People seem to like what I am doing with this place. I am not even doing much, just making a few changes here and there to the menu and changing up the décor so that the ambiance of the restaurant is a bit more elegant. The Kims didn’t really do much with the decoration of this place. They were fine cooks, I am sure, but as far as running a business goes they were completely clueless. With all the money I am earning from the restaurant and all that I am getting from the poker games that you guys are playing, I can’t help but feel like I am going to be quite wealthy quite soon.”

“That’s very optimistic,” said Freema with a sarcastic smile.

“Oh stop being such a party pooper,” said Ken with a wave of his hand. “Listen, if I earn enough this quarter I am going to expand the restaurant next quarter. I think this place could do with a bit more space, especially since we are getting so many customers nowadays.”

“That would be so amazing,” said Freema. “If you manage to expand this place you are going to be able to boost your income even further! I am so proud of you.”

Ken kissed Freema and said, “Thank you sweetheart, that means a lot coming from you.”

“Coming from me?” asked Freema.

“Yeah,” said Ken absentmindedly, not realizing that Freema was attempting to ask him a legitimate question, not realizing that she was genuinely confused by what he had just said.

“What do you mean?” asked Freema. “What do you mean by saying that it means a lot coming from me?”

Ken looked up and frowned. “Well… you’re my girlfriend, you know? You are an important person in my life, and approval coming from someone that is important to you matters more than approval coming from people that you could not care less about.”

“Ah,” said Freema. She looked away, uncertain how to respond. She had never really been considered this important by anyone before. She had always just been somebody that was in the background, decorative furniture so to speak in the metaphorical rooms that were people’s lives. Now that she was actually important to somebody, she found herself confused with fear. She was terrified of letting Ken down somehow. She was terrified that she would, at any given moment, act in a way that he perhaps did not approve of, and would thus lose her status as one of the most important people in Ken’s life. This annoyed her because it made her feel weak. She did not like the idea that someone had so much influence over her. Her entire life, Freema had prided herself on her ability to not give a sh*t. Now, however, it was pretty clear to her that not giving a sh*t was no longer an option. She was in too deep now, she cared far too much about what Ken thought. She had started to worry about what Ken might think of her, and although she was still rather uninterested in what anyone else had to say about her, the fact that even one person held this much power over her was something that she absolutely could not stand.

She cared about Ken a lot. She was just starting to fear that she had committed to something that she was not ready for.

When Ken turned around and got back to cooking the food that was going to be served to the customers sitting outside, Freema sighed as quietly as she could. She did not want Ken to know how she was feeling because she knew that it would hurt him. She was a very confused person. Whenever anything good happened to her, Freema immediately started to doubt the validity of that truth. She immediately started to wonder if there was something else going on, something that she was not seeing. Whenever anything good happened to her, instead of enjoying it Freema would just begin to fear the day that it would end, and this was no way for anyone to live. She knew that if she did not act now, the fear would consume her. She had to do… something. What that thing was, she did not know, and it was this combination of fear and uncertainty that was driving her mad.