Love Heals

No.

You’re my family, she’d told him. Cameron could hear the shaking in her voice and feel the emotion dripping from her tongue. Please don’t make me hurt you. Please understand. Those words never left her lips, but he read them in her eyes loud and clear. He understood; he really did. Understanding didn’t make it hurt any less. Understanding wouldn’t change anything.

He finished off another beer, wishing he could smash the bottle against his skull to mask this ache with something new. Whenever he felt this way, he would talk to Rachel. They would talk for hours and joke and laugh between his unloading of emotions until they both felt satisfied and refreshed. Now the cause of his turmoil was her, and what he had done with her, and he had nowhere else to turn. Without her he was lost. It wasn’t worth it; this wasn’t worth it. He would rather have her in his life as his closest friend and never anything more, than fu*k this up and not have her in his life at all.

Why had he tried to kiss her?

You know I love you, Cameron.

That was the most painful part of it all, that she loved him, and would always love him, but never like that. Never as a partner. Never in the way that he loved her. Countless times he had watched Rachel fall into a relationship, overcome with jealousy. It stung every time. It kept him up at night, eating away at his heart until the exhaustion took him. Every time he would support her, because of the happiness it brought to her life. If only Cameron were able to provide that joy and excitement in her life. He would pass the time thinking of what their relationship would be like; how good it could be for them. At one point, she had been attracted to him. That time had clearly come and passed.

You know I will always love you. I promise.

With all his heart, he believed that. But she would never know the love that he felt for her. It was more than just love for a friend, or even a family member; it was stronger than anything he had ever felt before. When she laughed, he laughed with her; when she cried, he cried beside her; when she smiled, he couldn’t help but smile back. She was simply intoxicating. If it was up to Cameron, he would spend every waking moment by her side. With her, the world was magical. With every fiber of his being, he loved her. Now with every fiber of his being he ached.

Another beer gone, and he realized this was it. His chance was over, because it had never actually been. All of that possibility had just been in his mind; just a foolish man’s dream. Rachel had never done anything to suggest otherwise, but that idea had been bred from a desperate hope. Now the hope was faded. The love of his life would remain his friend. She would love again, but not him. She would live on, but not with him.

Hope was gone.

You will always be my best friend, if you’re willing. That will never change because of this.

He would take that. Gladly, he would be her friend. Gladly he would support her through everything. Not hoping for her mind to change, nor hoping for her feelings toward him to evolve into something new; no, that would be a false hope. There was no place for that anymore. The only hope he wanted was for himself; that in time the ache would dull. Perhaps in time he could learn to stop loving her.

It was a ridiculous hope, but now it was all he had.

“So you think she’ll give me another chance?” Emilio asked pausing the game.

*****

Cameron was acting weird. Emilio wasn’t so self absorbed that he couldn’t see that. He wanted to ask what the problem was but his friend obviously thought he hadn’t noticed how maudlin Cameron was at the moment. Which was kind of insulting when Emilio thought about it. Was he that sh*tty a friend that Cameron would think he didn’t even need to bother to hide his obvious misery because Emilio wouldn’t pick it up anyway? Emilio opened his mouth determined to say something but then closed it again.

Then he opened his mouth again, “So how’s the painting going?” he asked. Cameron looked at him strangely.

“That’s kind of a random question,” he said.

“I’m just…I care okay?”

“Thank you. That’s nice of you. But I think you have enough on your plate what with your ankle, and..your physiotherapist…”

“I know right? I mean, what are the odds right?”

“Well actually Rachel’s been in town for a spell and she’s been working with the team doctor for some time.”

“You knew this?” Emilio asked dropping his Pringles on the carpet.

“Well…yeah. She’s my friend.”

“I’m your friend.”

“The two are not mutually exclusive you know Emilio,” Cameron snarked.

“Yeah but I figured you’d tell me if she was around.”

“I would have if I wanted to depress you. I remember how long it took you to get over her last time.”

Emilio looked thoughtful for a minute, “Okay. So…is she seeing anyone?”

“Not my place Milo. I don’t talk to you about what’s going on in her life, and I don’t talk to her about what’s going on in yours.”

“Damn that integrity,” Emilio gritted out.

Cameron laughed.

“Life is a bitch, and then you die.”

“Yeah,” Emilio agreed resting his head on the sofa and letting out a long sigh.