Love Heals

Everyone was pissed, she could tell, though they didn’t say so…wondering how she could leave…how she could leave Emilio. Emilio said he understood, but she was not sure whether he really did. She didn’t even know how to explain it. But she knew that he wasn’t angry, just sad. They both were, and when she left, she couldn’t even kiss him goodbye. She would have cried, she thought. Or changed her mind, maybe. But that would only have been temporary, and then they would have had to do it all again. As it was, her heart was heavy as she drove away, but, selfishly, she felt free. The farther from StubHub Center she got, the more free she felt. Seemed like her first taste of true freedom in months. It tasted beautiful and sweet.

*****

Emilio closed his eyes, preparing…fighting the pull of the world outside the loft: his duty to his job, his friendship with Cameron, his hope that one day Rachel would return. Inside…inside there was a place where he could capture what had escaped him, make it real again…at least make it feel real again. Where he could float in pure pleasure, rather than drown in abject pain. A place where darkness was really light, and it was perfectly right to do what his conscious thought was telling him was wrong. All he wanted was to be with Rachel, be loved again…be safe…be at peace, and he’d held on so long already, much longer than he’d ever expected. With one deep breath, Emilio focused full force on the mixture of familiar, beloved scents in the air, riding the spiral as it took him deeper and deeper inwards until he could see his world spinning, forming, rushing up to meet him, and finally he…let go.

*****

The ocean was relentless, reaching out to the land in unending waves. She watched it trying to lick her bare toes, getting rougher as if it was mad at her for staying one step beyond its touch. She was afraid to get her feet wet then, she could only stand here night after night and think of her home, thousands of miles away. Not Galaxy, but Emilio. Yet, like all the nights she had spent here before, she turned away, retracing her steps in the moonlit sand, and went inside, because no matter how bitter freedom tasted in the back of her throat these days…she didn’t think she could ever go back.

*****

And now she was back in town and Emilio didn’t know what to do. He texted Cameron as soon as he got home; and answered Pedro’s text wanting to know how the first day of therapy had gone. They knew him well; knew he would be…unsettled by the entire process. And they didn’t know the half of it.

Rachel was in town?!?

And he hadn’t known. Who had seen that coming? Not him that’s who.

And now what was he supposed to do? Woo her back? Come clean at last? Beg for another chance? Or ignore her and just let her be his physiotherapist and nothing more? Was that even an option right now? Was he capable of that?

He looked at his phone impatiently, waiting for Cameron to reply.

*****

“You took him on as a patient?” he said into her receiver without preamble.

“Cameron. And how are you today?”

“Don’t be facetious.”

“And the three dollar words come out. You must be pissed.”

“I’m not pissed. I’m…confused. I thought you were through with him.”

“I am.”

“Then…why?”

Rachel shrugged even if he couldn’t see her, “Because…he’s a patient – he needs help. And if I can’t help him then it means it isn’t over. That I’m still carrying a candle for him. But I’m not. I’m fine. We’re fine. Stop fretting.”

There was silence on the line for a while. Rachel did not interrupt it.

“He texted me as soon as he left you. He’ll probably want to talk about you tonight. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“Say whatever you want.”

“You mean…I can tell him that we’re…together?”

“Are we together Cameron?”

“We’re something!” he growled.

“God, Cam, calm down. I swear you’re worse than most girls.”

“And you’re just way too calm.”

“That’s because there’s nothing to be agitated about.”

“So…all those feelings you had for him. Just. Dead?”

Rachel shrugged even if he couldn’t see her, “Looks like.”

Cameron let out a breath and she realized he’d really been afraid, “Okay then.”

“Go take care of your friend Cam,” she said.

“Okay,” he replied.

*****

He was sitting beside Emilio but his mind was far off. The irony was Emilio was waxing lyrical about Rachel; how good she had looked, how much she hadn’t changed…What he could do to get her back. And all Cameron could think about was her. The alcohol could not stop the tortuous reel playing through his head, or numb the pain of his shattered heart. Her words echoed through his mind, banging against the inside of his skull. It was dark and bright and dull and sharp and everything all at once. In the end, at the bottom of it all, everything was just pain. Shooting, agonizing, incessant pain.

But he still loved her.

He would always love her.

That horrible moment played over and over, and the utter helplessness was overwhelming. How had he not known? They were just friends; always just friends. It was foolish to think anything more. It was foolish to think the long, deep conversations, the lingering hugs, the deep gaze; that the tears shed together meant anything more than that.

It had been foolish of him to imagine that he could ever compete with Emilio; Ultimate Man or whatever.

“Go take care of your friend Cam,” she’d said it so tiredly. Like she was already pulling away from him and she didn’t understand why he didn’t get it. So he’d gone to her office. He’d confronted her. Mistake.

Cameron wished he could take it back now. Even though she said it was okay, he knew it would never quite be the same. They’d had something magical, with a clear line drawn in the sand, and in a moment of weakness he had crossed it. He sighed deeply, shaking his head. She was just so beautiful and smart and kind and perfect. She was perfect. He was weak, and now he could lose a friend. Not just a friend–his best friend. The best friend he had ever had.

Never in a thousand years would he forget the look in those deep honey gold eyes. Never would he forgive himself for that confusion and sadness he caused in her; that panic dancing across her face. It wasn’t her fault. She did nothing wrong. He wanted to explain, but the words refused to leave his clenching throat. He wanted to tell her that he had loved her since the moment he saw her, that he cared about her more than life itself, that he would never in a million years do anything to hurt her.

Except he had done this.

If she hadn’t grabbed his hand, Cameron would have bolted. Even with that support, his body continued to gravitate toward the door, pulling and begging to just leave. It was excruciating to sit there next to her, touching her, feeling the warmth from her hand holding him there, knowing that the answer to his burning question was and would forever be a resounding “no”.