I’ve Got You

“Okay…” Cameron digested the words. He took his time to answer, wanting to give Aleshia fair judgment. “I understand the rebound thing. That’s something that can be solved with time. I also get maybe you can’t erase someone out of your life who has been a part of it. Is there more?”

“The other thing, which will be the massive elephant in the room, is that I’m pregnant.”

The atmosphere turned icy. “Pregnant?” Cameron repeated, consternation on his features.

“Yup. I moved here because my sister could help support me, and because there was no way I could stay around Peter – my ex. Part of me thinks having the kid is going to wreck my life, the other is going, eh, fu*k it. May as well try.”

“I… see,” Cameron responded stiffly. A long, awful silence, like a chill wind sweeping over their skin passed. “Does your ex… want the child?”

“No. He doesn’t give a sh*t about it.”

“Did you intend to have it?”

“No.” Aleshia sighed in irritation. She saw the prospect of their blossoming friendship vanishing under the heavy rock of her recent past and upcoming future with the child. “I’m allergic to the pill. And he insisted he wouldn’t wear a condom, because it made the s*x less pleasant.” She gave a bitter laugh. “He also thought I couldn’t get pregnant if he pulled out in time. I… knew otherwise. But… I. I wanted nothing more than to please him. So now,” she patted her stomach. “I’m going to be paying for that mistake.” She knew she was over-killing it with the words, but couldn’t stop her need to explain, to tell him why everything was so fu*ked up.

Cameron’s lips thinned. “Looks like it. And it’s a shame. I like you, Aleshia. I do. I hoped maybe we could try our hand at dating. With your permission, of course. But I don’t think somehow I can be dealing with a kid. It’s a lot of responsibility. Sudden responsibility. I hope you understand.” His eyes stared at her blankly. His voice came out cold.

“Believe me, I relate to the term ‘sudden responsibility,’ only too well.” Crimson flushed across Aleshia’s cheeks. She struggled hard to not cry. “Drat. I really fu*ked up. And just when I met someone who I actually like, too.”

She drew back her tears with a sniffle, noting Cameron’s darkening expression. She understood. She wouldn’t want the person she was facing to suddenly burst out in tears. With her heart still raw from Peter, and crumbling from the realization she couldn’t date, or perhaps be part of that life ever again, the facts stung. “Ah well. I’ll have to deal with it. Thank you for the nice evening. It’s been the most fun I’ve have in a while.”

“Yes.” Cameron pushed his plate aside. “I’ve liked it, too. I’ll be looking for the property you need tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll come up with some good results for you. You probably could do with finding something stable.” His face, hardened with the mask of caution, then softened. “Thank you for being honest.”

“It’s not like I can hide the pregnancy for much longer. I just… I liked this. I wanted to preserve that memory in my mind. The feeling that someone could like me. But it was unfair to you. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to this.” Aleshia huffed again, standing up. The food tasted like dust in her mouth. She didn’t have the stomach to take it down anymore.

“Don’t be.” Cameron said, though his voice suggested otherwise.

Time wasted. I wasted this man’s time. I’m wasting my time, deluding myself. For what? What do I think I’m going to achieve out of this?

To his credit, he placed down the money for the food under his plate, and held out one arm for her to take. A surge of gratefulness went through Aleshia, even as she checked surreptitiously the other members of the bar. She expected him to storm out, and who would blame him for the gesture? Instead, he at least let her preserve some shred of dignity in the bar, and they exited, without much attention drawn from the patrons.

The drive back home occurred in silence. The dream Aleshia dared herself to imagine for a moment, lay shattered at her feet, swallowed up by the darkness.

He saw her off, made sure she reached the front of her apartment block safely, then zoomed away in his Chevrolet Impala. She saw a possible future vanishing away with his wheels as well, and never in that moment, did she find herself hating the tiny life inside her more.

Inside her apartment, sat in front of her laptop, which had been on standby, she fought to control her livid emotions. It wasn’t fair. The life inside her couldn’t help doing what it did, growing and growing. It didn’t know it had a mother who hated it.

Aleshia breathed deeply. I’m sorry. This isn’t fair. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry. She tentatively patted her stomach. Although she thought the words, the fury remained. She kept up the stream of reason. I don’t hate you. Not really. I just hate the situation. Things should have been better. I don’t hate you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

The tears fell at last. She kept wiping her cheeks as she sobbed, but the tears refused to stop.

I’m sorry.