I’ll Wait For You

At least in that case, Catrina understood, even though it was not necessarily for the right reason. “I know, maybe you didn’t want to look as though you were leaping into another man’s bed so soon after Aidan. Maybe you were worried what we would think, but you shouldn’t be! We don’t care about that! We just care that you’re happy,” Catrina said, scooping up one last empty wrapper and placing it into a new trash bag.

Andrew, keen to back up his wife and doubly keen to have another excuse to drive his new car, said, “Tell you what, daughter. Let’s make a trip to the supermarket and we’ll help refill your fridge now. Or we can do it alone if you want to sit back and rest.”

“I’ll come,” Elinor said, sensing her mother would have been disappointed if she didn’t. The trip itself took about two hours, and they went through the aisles looking for long life meals and fresh foods, though Elinor insisted not much needed to be gotten, since she would be likely handing in the months’ notice on the apartment.

“Moving in with him, eh?” Andrew wasn’t sure what to make of the idea. He took out a block of cheese and examined it absently, before placing it in the cart. “Is it going that well, then?”

Elinor’s heart scrunched. “I was going to look for a better apartment, or ask if I could live at my new workplace for a little bit. It has a kitchen and a bed there, and it’s in much nicer condition than the apartment. But not for another month, at least.”

Her parents drilled her for more information, and she eventually burst out her fear in the third aisle of the shop, fighting back tears as she did so. “I’m thinking I might not be able to keep the relationship for long.”

“Why’s that?” Andrew asked, alarmed at the expression of his daughter as she blinked rapidly, taking deep, swallowing breaths.

“Because I think he might need a better person. One that isn’t…” she gestured at her stomach helplessly. Though the bandage was now gone, she still felt the phantom pressure of the side it had been on, mocking her. “Isn’t this.” There was no way else to explain it. This wasn’t just some emotional tailspin decision she was harrying at – this was one that reflected on her making Kostya’s life worse than it was. She doubted he would fire her, as long as she could make words, which didn’t seem like a great possibility at this point in time. She was on paid sick leave, and had two weeks left before the paid leave ended.

Kostya Vasilev didn’t need her as a reminder of the things he had suffered. He already had tattoos of that. She, on the other hand, needed to start adjusting to the fact that she might never be able to have children. That this chapter of her life was over.

“Aren’t you being a little melodramatic?” Catrina said, dashing some of Elinor’s self-sacrificing fantasies. She glared at her mother. Dammit, didn’t her mother see that she needed to do this?

“No. Just realistic.”

“You’re looking at the glass half-empty, you realize. I know you might think you need to break up with Kostya because you have issues conceiving. Think about it in more detail. Don’t jump the gun just yet.”

“Mom, these aren’t just ‘issues’. This is a chronic condition that will affect me for the rest of my life and after four miscarriages, you can see there might be more than just a slight ‘issue.’” Elinor didn’t mean to sound so harsh and snappy at her mother, but it came out like that, along with the frustration and inadequacy, and her body’s insistence at betraying her yet again. She felt belligerent, and petulant, and it came in the form of her bottom lip pouting, her body language retreating to the same little girl that argued against her mother when she believed she was right.

“So? There’s probably treatments that can be done to help. You shouldn’t just keep scowling at your body like that’s gonna make it get better. If you want to have children, you’ll have them. No big deal.”

Elinor ended up leaning on the cart as they wheeled it towards the tills, and started unpacking items onto the conveyor belt.

“Has it occurred to you,” Andrew said, one eyebrow raised, and eyes twinkling, “that Kostya might not be happy with you deciding he needs someone better? Because as I recall, he chose you.”

“That was before he found out about this, Pa.”

“So? If I was him – which I’m glad I’m not, because that would be weird – I’d be furious if you dropped me without letting me have a say in the matter.”

Elinor hated to admit it, but he had a point. Despite the uncomfortable image presented of her dad being the boyfriend.

I will need to talk to Kostya about it, at least. He’s right. This came followed by another insidious thought. Just like I talked to Aidan about it.

Dark observations aside, she finished shopping with her parents, told Tina via a brief call when sitting in the back of her dad’s car that she would gladly come around and see her tomorrow, before treating herself to her mother’s moussaka, which was prepared in the freshly scrubbed kitchen of her apartment, whilst Andrew played cards.

It was times like this that Elinor got reminded of just how awesome her parents were.

“What a lovely boy he is,” Catrina had gushed, plucking at the white heathers that lay in the dark green vase. “Such wonderful flowers! They invoke positive feelings just by their presence alone. And the heather, now – white heather, you know what that means?”

Elinor shrugged, whilst eating a forkful of moussaka. Her dad enthusiastically stuffed his way through it with the speed of a seagull.

“It means,” her mother declared, posing dramatically for effect, her light brown eyes cheerful, “that your wishes will come true.” She took out one of the heathers, and placed it in Elinor’s jean pocket.