“Great,” said miserably.
“Are you sure…?” Sandy asked, hesitantly. “Are you one-hundred percent sure that this is the right move, honey?” she finished.
was silent. If I knew that, she thought, I wouldn’t be in the state that I’m in now.
“I know that you used to want to move to Europe,” Sandy said. “But have you thought about why? What you think that it holds for you? Maybe you just got used to wanting it. Maybe it isn’t right for you now. You have a good thing here, honey. We love you and we’re going to miss you.”
Her friend’s words only made her feel worse. “I have to go,” said. “Remember, I’m being kicked out of my apartment, at the end of the month? I don’t have a choice!”
“You always have a choice,” Sandy said. “How much of this freak out is about Martin? Have you heard from him?”
felt weak at the knees.
“I gotta go,” she said sullenly.
“Don’t be like this,” Sandy admonished.
“Like what?” asked.
“Getting distant like you always do,” Sandy said.
“I’m not ‘getting distant’,” snapped. “I have a million things to do. I don’t have time to talk about a guy that doesn’t mean anything to me.”
Sandy was quiet, calling out on her bullshit without even saying a word.
took the hint and saw the denial in her own words.
Of course he means something to me, she thought. Of course he has something to do with what I’m feeling. But what am I going to do about it?
“I think you need to talk to him” Sandy suggested.
found the strength to keep moving. She started walking toward her building. “I know,” she admitted. “I don’t know what I’m going to say.”
“Tell him how you feel,” Sandy suggested.
“Easier said than done,” said. “I’d have to know what I feel first. Besides, he’s the one who should be contacting me. I don’t want to seem desperate.”
“You’re going to see him again before you leave,” Sandy said, sounding more like a fortune teller than a Nurse Practitioner. “Soon, I bet. I can’t believe you didn’t see him at the office this week.”
“I took my lunch break when he came in on Thursday,” admitted .
She could almost hear Sandy thinking about this. “You can’t run away from your feelings,” her friend said. “When was the last time you were in a relationship? Was it with Keegan?”
reached her doorway and punched in the code. She hiked her bag up on her shoulder and yanked the door open against the gusty winds. Once inside, safe from the weather, the world seemed much quieter. She thought of Keegan for a moment, a man she’d been with for years, unhappily, before finally breaking things off.
“Yeah,” she said. “I suppose.” Was Keegan really the last serious relationship she’d had? There had been many dates, many flings. Sex that went nowhere. Mediocre sex, at that. Nothing like what she’d experienced with Martin.
And only mediocre attraction as well. No sense of connection.
Sandy spoke again. “You keep guys at a distance because you think every relationship is going to be like what you had with Keegan. I remember what that was like. That wasn’t love, honey.”
“Who said anything about love?” asked, stomping up the stairs. “We’re not talking about love, here.”
“Yes,” Sandy said. “Yes, we are. The sooner you admit that to yourself, the better off you’re going to be.”
scoffed, rounding the corner to the next flight. The narrow hallway felt comforting, safe. “You’re crazy,” she said. “Martin and I spent one night together. We’re nowhere near love. We’re barely at ‘like’.”
“Love can happen before like,” Sandy said.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” said.
“All I’m trying to say is, be honest with yourself. I don’t want you to end up moving to another country and missing out on something magical.”
scoffed again. “Girl, you’re not making any sense to me. I don’t have time to think about fluffy unicorn bullshit like magic. I have to sell all of my shit, get my ass to London, and start the life I’ve been dreaming about.”
“If you say so,” Sandy said, clearly giving up on the conversation.
knew that her hard tone was a defensive wall that she’d erected between herself and others time and time again. She arrived at her apartment and unlocked the door.