Chapter 2
“I love it.” Sadie had been thinking about her father so much more lately. It was hard not to feel the empty space when she was going to become a parent herself. “I can imagine us in there, with grasshopper when he gets here. I can‘t wait.”
That made Maury smile wider. “I can’t wait either.”After so many years with Maury, Sadie had learned to read him. She knew the tight line of his shoulders when he was upset, the way he bit down on his lip when he was anxious.
Sadie knew before Maury could say a word.
Sadie dropped the paintbrush on the plastic sheet they’d lain out over the floorboards. “When?”
“End of the month.” Maury replied, voice hollow. His eyes were red; resigned. “I’m sorry to do this to you now.”
Sadie wanted to scream, yell, cry and punch Maury all at once. She did neither. She was a military wife and this was what that entailed. Deployments were a part of their lives, they always would be, and this one just hurt more because of the baby on the way. This is why other couples planned pregnancies down to the date, to avoid separation at critical moments.
Sadie looked around the half-finished nursery. “Guess we better kick it into high gear then?”
Maury saw right through her and instead of picking up his own paint roller, drew her close, hand running down her back soothingly. “Sadie, it’s okay to be upset.”“
Why would I be? It’s not a surprise; I knew it was a possibility.”
“It still sucks.” Maury tipped Sadie’s chin up, forcing her to meet his eyes. “Baby, don’t…”
Too late.
Fat tears were rolling down her cheeks and Sadie hated herself for not being able to stop them. She wasn’t weak and she didn’t want to make Maury feel like shit but she couldn’t stop. She was getting that awful feeling again, the sick, empty and abandoned feeling that used to send her hiding in her tree house for hours when she was young.“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Maury told her, thumbs catching her tears. “Don’t be.”
*****
Sadie spent the ride staring out the window, the world a blur of autumn colors. Maury didn’t put on the radio and the silence was heavy between them.“Hey.” Maury took her hand at a traffic light, threading their fingers together. He was dressed in his fatigues, black hair short close once more. “You alright?”
“I’m fine.”It was a lie but the truth wouldn’t help anyone. She knew Maury needed to feel like she would be fine on her own, so she tried. She was stronger than this, she always had been.
Maury’s thumb stroked over the back of her hand soothingly. “It’ll be over before you know it.”
“It’s no big deal, right? We’ve done this so many times before.”
“Absolute pros.” Forcing a smile, Sadie nodded. “Piece of cake.”
The rest of the drive was passed like that, Maury steering with his left hand while his right hand was held in Sadie’s over their son.
It was over too quickly, and Sadie found herself outside of the base, watching other couples say goodbye as Maury pulled out his US issued duffle from the trunk. He slung it across his back and Sadie remembered the first time they did this, how she was thinking that they would never last. She’d wanted to break up with him then, convinced that nothing was worth the pain of separation. But then Maury had stopped midway to the bus, half turned to smile at her, sun hitting him from behind as he raised his hand in a final farewell. And Sadie had fallen irrevocably in love.“Stay safe.” Sadie brought their lips together, kissing him with all the love she felt. “Please. For both of us.”
“I will. I love you.” Maury told her fervently after the kiss broke, hands tight around her. “Take care of yourself and grasshopper.”
It didn’t matter how many times Sadie had to watch Maury walk away and board that bus; it always felt like the first time. But that time really had been the last.
*****
Sadie had been expecting this birthday to be one of her worst. She’d gone to bed the night before dreading it and she’d woken up in the morning wishing it could be over.
For a brief moment as she was brushing her teeth, she considered just going right back to bed and sleeping the day away, but as always, a sense of responsibility kept her from doing so. Instead she got up, and played at living. She went to her classes in the morning and afternoon, and afterward she dutifully worked on paperwork dealing with school programs for the next two months and signed invoices.
And the entire time, the specter of Maury was never far from her. It followed her to her dance class and it shimmered beside her in the car as she drove back home. Its insubstantial fingers grazed her as she sat down to type at her computer, causing her to shiver against their cold touch.
She knew she was being haunted, but not by a ghost that was made up of ectoplasm or whatever the hell they were made of. She was haunted by memories and regret. She was haunted by what could have been; by what should have been.
By the time the sun had dipped below the horizon, she was more than ready to drink herself into a stupor so she could seek oblivion from this miserable day. She put her son to bed and thankfully he went with no fuss; in fact he practically put himself to bed as if he was aware that she just wasn’t up to mothering that night.
She had just cracked open her first post dinner beer when her doorbell rang, startling her from her thoughts. She looked at the clock, wondering who could possibly be here; she certainly wasn’t expecting anyone.
She opened the door, surprised to see her two closest friends standing in the hallway, holding several bottles of wine and pizza and grinning like idiots.
“Happy birthday,” they said in unison.
Despite herself, a smile began to tug at the corners of Sadie’s mouth. “How did you guys know?”
“Duh,” said Stella, the one she had counted a friend the longest. “We know when your birthday is.”
“But I haven’t mentioned it. Neither did you guys. I thought you’d forgotten.”
Angelina, the youngest of them all, waved one of the wine bottles around. “Couldn’t forget your birthday, Sadie. We just wanted to surprise you.”
And with that, they jostled past her into the apartment, making straight for the kitchen.