All of his closest friends came. His mother, Jaden, and Sadie as well as former colleagues in the military were there too. The males adorned in black suits and ties. The females in long black dresses and dark makeup. The overwhelming, depressed mood over the entire procession. Slowly, the coffin was lowered into the grave. The girls sobbing, the guys pretending not to.
As the coffin was lowered, the Pastor, who Sadie hadn’t met before, intoned a verse.
“…If we are mark’d to die, we are now
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honor.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honor,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
God’s peace! I would not lose so great an honor
As one man more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man’s company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors,
And say “To-morrow is Saint Crispian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.”
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb’red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.”
She recognized it as Shakespeare; from Henry V Act IV Scene iii 18–67. She was an English major after all. She looked up again at the preacher; he was tall, broad shouldered…dangerous looking with his neatly pulled back dreads and tattoo on his hand. He looked familiar; like she’d seen him somewhere before. She couldn’t imagine where though.
The coffin was laid at the bottom of the grave. Being covered up by dirt, everyone helping. Thunder boomed, the clouds broke and a slow downpour started on them. When they finished, they all placed flowers around the tombstone. Quietly, everyone began to leave, going to their cars and getting out of the rain. Sadie, stayed behind.
She just stood there, standing at the grave. A numbness coming from her. After everyone was out of eyesight, she broke down. Her knees weak, breaths painful, tears streaming down her face, mixing with the rain drops. She dropped to the ground by the headstone. “I’m sorry Ben. I’m so sorry.” Each word pained her throat, barely escaping her mouth.
In her head she blamed herself for Ben’s death. She should have been there more. She should have helped him through Maury’s death.
She wasn’t there for him. She didn’t check his medicine. She didn’t answer every call. She wasn’t a good sister in law. All of these thoughts played through her head as she sat there, sobbing. “Why wasn’t I there for you? Why was I so stupid?” Her chest hurt.
Everyone told her that no one could have known he would do this. All she could think of was getting the call from the cops, going to identify the body with Sarah, her mother in law, finding the note reading:
“I’m sorry. I never wanted you to see me this way. I’m sorry for lying to you. Recently, I started getting bad, and, I guess it finally got to me. Please, don’t cry. I never intended to die but, I miss him. So, so much. Thanks for being there. I’m so sorry. Goodbye.”
Sadie burned that image into her mind, every word, all she could think of was Ben. Filled with regret. All of the things that they would never have the chance to do as a family, things they never had the chance to say. Never share. Sadie jumped at a loud thunder clap, waking her from her daze.
She leaned over and kissed the headstone right on Ben’s name. “I love you.” Sadie smiled slightly through her tears, proceeding to stand up. She said her last goodbye before walking slowly back to her car. “I miss you.” she whispered.
As she turned she saw the Pastor standing with an umbrella near the parking lot, just looking at her.
*****
The school board meeting could not be postponed for long even in the face of Sadie’s recent tragedy. She would just have to bite the bullet and get out of bed. Her mother in law, Sarah, was staying with her and occupying her time with Jaden. Sadie might have felt guilty for leaving her mother in law with her son for a whole day but they seemed to cheer each other up. They were good for each other. Sadie was grateful for that because she didn’t think she could carry anyone else’s grief just at the moment. She was all full with her own.