Don’t Love, Don’t Lose

“I’ll think about that.”

The earlier ease of conversation was gone. Whatever she’d thought might have been happening between them was over, too. It was definitely not happening any longer.

“Well, then, I guess that’s about it.”

“Thank you for your time, Jasmine.”

“And thank you for dinner. And for Lucy’s treats. I hope you’re not driving.”

“I’ll get a cab. Are you worried about me, Jasmine?”

Suddenly, he was all teasing again. Anthony Malone was a confusing man.

“I wouldn’t want you to get a DUI. Aunt Della would be sad.”

“That wouldn’t do at all, would it? Good night, Jasmine.”

She didn’t know how it happened, but she found herself in his arms, and being kissed good night.

Her eyes flew open, wide, as he kissed her. It wasn’t a soft peck. There was nothing soft or puckish about that kiss. It was deep and thorough, and when he finally let her go, she felt like her knees might have turned into jelly.

He looked smug.

“Yes, now it’s a date. Good night, Jasmine. I hope you dream of me. I think I can promise you that I will dream of you.”

“Grrnt.”

That was all she could get out of her mouth when she tried to say good night. She leaned against the wall for support and locked the door after him.

What was that? What had that been all about? Sure, he’d been joking about dates and stuff, but kissing her?

Why had he kissed her like that?

And boy, the man could kiss! He was obviously an expert. She wondered if women routinely lost temporary function of their legs after being kissed by Anthony Malone.

Her first instinct was to call Rita and tell her. But she didn’t. She hugged that little secret to herself, gave Lucy another treat, cleared up the mess they’d made, and went to bed.

But she couldn’t sleep once she was in bed. Every time she tried to close her eyes and drift off, she saw him, those blue eyes glowing with teasing knowledge as he moved closer to her. Had she really not noticed? Or had she not wanted to notice?

Had she known that the evening would end like that? Had she clung to the idea of work a little too desperately?

“Oh, drat!”

She pulled her blanket up and over her head, only to feel a little paw batting at her.

Jasmine pulled it down again and looked into clear green eyes. The cat curled up in the warm spot Jasmine had left as she tossed and turned, right beside her head.

“Fine, take the good spot on the pillow. Go ahead and do that.”

Green eyes glared back.

“I know, it’s not your fault. I don’t like this, Lucy. I don’t know, I haven’t dated a man in so long. I definitely haven’t dated a man like Tony, that’s for sure. And when did I start thinking of him as Tony? Sometime, I will call him Tony, it will just slip out, and he will look so smugly at me. I don’t think I can take that, Lucy. Could you take a man who looked as smug as that? Let’s say there was a tomcat… But there was, wasn’t there? And you got mastitis. It’s gone now, but I could feel it, my poor girl. It must have hurt you so much. That no good tom wasn’t around after that, was he? He knocked you up and left you to take care of everything. I wonder what happened to your kittens, Lucy. Poor babies, I know you must have tried your best. But did they make it? It’s sad, this world. Everything about it is sad. The only guarantee in life is death. The only guarantee is that everybody will finally leave you, one way or another. Sometimes they choose to leave you. Sometimes they don’t choose it, but they leave anyway. Why would anybody take the risk of getting involved with anybody when they know that?”

“Meeoo.”

That was the softest sound she had ever heard from Lucy, as if the cat sympathized.

“It’s sad, but I’m all right on my own. I have Rita and I have Aunt Della. I have my work. And now I have you. I never meant to have you, but I do. That’s all I need. I don’t need a man. I don’t need to fall in love. I’ve seen what love does to Rita. I don’t want that to happen to me. It’s bad enough that I can’t protect everybody I love already. I’m not going to get involved with him. Tony. Malone.”

She no longer even knew what to call him or how to think of him. That kiss had shaken her far more than it should have.

“It’s because it’s been so long since I dated, Lucy. It’s because I haven’t dated in so very long. Let’s see, it has been… Goodness, it’s been about three years since I even went on a casual date. No wonder the kiss knocked me over. It’s just been a really long time. It was a purely physical reaction. It meant nothing special. It doesn’t mean that it was because of Tony.”

But she didn’t really believe it. Nobody she’d dated had ever kissed her like that. She’d never felt like that even with the one man who, a decade ago, she had almost said yes to when he’d proposed to her. She’d almost said it.

But she had said no, after crying all night, because she had known that she couldn’t risk marriage. She couldn’t risk children. She couldn’t risk having children and then dying, leaving them behind.

She wouldn’t do it.

Ron had been a sweet man, a musician with a romantic soul who had seen in her something that she simply hadn’t had. In the end, he had married a nice girl who worshipped the ground he walked on, as he deserved. And he still loved that nice girl, and the twins who were now six years old.

Jasmine was happy for him.

But she had always known that it wasn’t for her. That life wasn’t for her. She was a solitary creature, and she would always be that. She didn’t want to change that.

She was happy with that.

Finally, she fell asleep, and her last thought was to wonder if Tony was asleep.

He wasn’t, because his knees still felt a little weak, even if he was in bed. Alone.