Dark Or Cream

“Ay, I think our babies are gone be cuter than Jay-Z and Beyonce kids. What you think? I’m real fertile, too. I mean, I don’t have any kids yet, per se, that I know of. I’m just saying my daddy had six of ’em.”

Kaja snorted.

He had woken her up early that morning thinking he was about to make up for the brevity of last night, but she was completely not in the mood. She wanted to get home, so he was taking her. She realized all of a sudden that this was the man she had chosen. Rashan was her new boyfriend. She glanced over at him, trying to see the fineness she had seen all the month before. He was still handsome and well-dressed. He smelled nice. His skin was chocolatey and smooth. He was the same man. Maybe she wasn’t the same woman.

The Kaja who had gotten up that morning was struck by the epiphany that she had let other people make an important decision for her that would directly affect her life, and she wasn’t happy with the choice. She wanted to talk to Eric, but she was too cowardly to try to call. She got to her house and raced inside to see if he had sent her a message, but he hadn’t. She didn’t bother to say goodbye to Rashan. He yelled rudely out the window that he’d call her soon, but Kaja couldn’t help but wish he wouldn’t.

For a week, in fact, she avoided Rashan’s calls altogether. If she answered, it was to make up an excuse about being too busy, and she really was busy. By day, she threw all her efforts into making Cooking by Kaj a better restaurant. By night, she scrolled through old messages from Eric, wondering what he was doing. Finally, on a whim, she gave him a call. He didn’t answer.

It was Ebony who rescued her from her wallowing self-pity. She came over with David and the kids for a visit. Kaja fixed dinner, which the family heartily enjoyed. The dessert was cherry pie, which was bittersweet.

Ebony dragged her into her bedroom for a heart to heart. “Go see him.”

“What?”

“Go see him. Eric or whatever his name is. I can tell that ever since you picked Rashan, you haven’t been the same. For a little while you seemed on top of the world, and now that you have a boyfriend you’re more unhappy than when you were single!”

Kaja shrugged and said, “Rashan is…nice, but…”

“He’s not the man for you. Girl, I get it. That’s why I’m telling you to go see Eric.”

“But, you and Isis told me I should stick with my race!”

Ebony sighed and shook her head. “People say all kinds of stupid sh*t. We were wrong. It’s obvious. But, I also recall us telling you to do what made you happy or something like that. We’re your friends. We got our opinions, but our opinions don’t count when you know what’s in your heart.”

“Ugh!” Kaja fell back on her bed and pulled her pillow over her face. “I feel like I’m losing my mind. All day long, I’m rejecting calls from Rashan and wishing Eric would call. But, how on earth do I break it off with Rashan now? We’ve only been dating for a week, Ebony. He’s going to think I’m the loosest floozy ever.”

“Well, boo for him!” Ebony snatched away the pillow and showed Kaja her hand to her ear. “This is how you break it off with him. Hello, Rashan? I’m just not that into you. The end. Period.”

“And, then I’m stuck back at square one because I know you don’t think Eric is going to give me another chance after I told him never to contact me again.”

Ebony shrugged helplessly. “I don’t have an answer for that. You will not stay in this relationship and be miserable, though. I’m not having it.” She handed Kaja the phone and said, “Call him. Call Rashan, break it off, and go see Eric.”

***

Kaja didn’t call Rashan. He showed up at her house by Friday evening. When she pulled into her driveway after work, he was leaning against the Range, waiting for her.

“We got a problem or something?” He had on a ball cap and a loose t-shirt, looking more like a college kid than she had ever seen him.

Kaja smiled tightly and waved him inside. “Hey, Rashan.”

He followed her into her living room and slumped down on her couch. “I feel like you’re trying to send me a message, and I think I’m getting it loud and clear.”

Kaja twisted her lips to the side and avoided his gaze. She stood against the wall by the door and crossed her feet at the ankles. She shrugged.

Rashan replied, “So, wassup? I mean, I’ve been calling you, trying to come and see you, and you act like you don’t want me around.”

“Rashan, don’t take this the wrong way—actually, I don’t even know if there’s any other way to take it. Look, I made a mistake. I really don’t think we’re compatible.”

“Why you say that? Didn’t I treat you good? I took you places, we did things together. I mean…”

“What you’re looking for in a woman is not the woman I am, and I’m not about to change. I’m not ready for a houseful of kids. I don’t want to give up my restaurant. That is my dream, Rashan. At first I felt like you were a man of direction, but over time it’s starting to seem like you really aren’t.”

“Whoa. Don’t take it the wrong way. Right. So, I’m directionless? We aren’t compatible because I’m directionless? I have my future mapped out, sweetheart. I’m sorry if it seems to you like you don’t fit in it, and you might not, but I have my future mapped out.”

“Rashan, you talk about living like a millionaire as a grade school teacher. I get it. That’s kind of the picture hip hop paints—that anybody with enough heart and street cred can be a millionaire. But, c’mon…I know you know better than that. That’s not your future mapped out. That’s your fantasies.”

He pointed his finger at her and opened his mouth to say something, but shut it. He covered his mouth with his hand and looked away, seeming angry. “That’s how you see things. I see things differently. I mean, I got a lot to learn—investments, saving money, earning more money. Don’t underestimate me.”

Kaja didn’t want to press his buttons. “I had a lot of fun with you, and…I’m sorry,” she replied. She looked down at her feet.

“It’s cool. You can’t un-fu*k me. I mean, we did that. So. I’m good. At least I got to hit.” He shrugged casually.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m joking. You just threw a javelin through my rib cage, woman. I gotta find something to smile about.” He stood up and walked over to her with a resolute look on his face as he extended his hand for a handshake. “It was nice knowing you, Kaja. No hard feelings. Friends with benefits?”

Kaja held back her hand and said, “Without benefits.”

He nodded, taking it in stride. “Maybe just maybe I didn’t come correct. When I met you, I knew you were different, and I guess I needed to step my game up. I hope you don’t think of me as just another black man trying to take something from a black woman cause I’m not. I respect you and you’re a beast in the kitchen, ma. A beast in the bedroom, too.” Then, he left.