Contracted To Love

She’d left the house on Tuesday morning to get some fresh produce from the farmer’s market with Valeria. She couldn’t stomach another pity casserole. The freezer was full of them and before she left that morning, she made arrangements for the casseroles to be delivered to a homeless shelter in the city. That evening, she was going to make David his favorite dinner. It was all she could do to hold out hope that David’s spirits were finally going to be lifted. Even if it was only going to be a little. It was going to be better than nothing. After all, Michelle was beginning to fear that the couch was going to have a permanent butt print on it.

It was hard not to give up because it seemed like the harder she tried, the further he got from her. She wanted to be there for him, hold him as they slept. But he hardly ever got off the couch. There were days Michelle asked Valeria not to come to work just so that she didn’t have to see him like that. The distance between her and her husband was driving Michelle insane. And on that particular Tuesday, Michelle planned on doing something different.

She’d just plated the beef and vegetables and uncorked a bottle of red wine before she walked to the living room.

“Dinner’s ready,” she said in a soft voice.

“I’m not hungry,” David said without looking up.

“Well, you cannot live on a whisky diet. You need to get some food inside you. I made your favorite.”

David exhaled loudly.

“Michelle, please. I’m not very good company right now.”

It was Michelle’s turn for a loud exhale.

“You’re never good company nowadays. You don’t talk to me. You don’t even look at me….” Her voice was breaking. “David, I’m trying my very best here.”

It was at that moment that he looked up at her.

“I know you are.”

“Then why are you doing this to me?” she asked. “What do you want me to do here? Just watch you kill your liver?” she shook her head. “I know you’re hurting and I want to be here for you but you have to let me be there for you.”

“Michelle….” he started.

“No, I will not sit back and watch you drink yourself to death just so you can join your father!” A tear rolled down her cheek. “Because if that’s what you want, then I’ll go back to my place in the city and leave you to wallow in this never-ending sadness.”

She was about to walk away when he reached out and held her hand. She was fuming. She didn’t understand why he wouldn’t give her any time anymore. It was like the brief magic of their marriage had passed. She’d been scared that the romance between them was just a flicker of a weak flame but she always dismissed that feeling as her fear having a voice. But standing there looking at him, looking into the same eyes that had held so much promise, so much hope, she wasn’t so sure what to think anymore. He was a stranger to her. Perhaps now more than he’d ever been. The silence between them was getting louder every day and the distance between them, even though they lived in the same house, was getting unbearable. She needed him to talk to her. For him to say something. Anything really, what he said didn’t matter to Michelle, she would have been satisfied just talking about the weather or even politics.

“Let me through, Michelle,” David said calmly but she shook her head.

“No, talk to me. Please.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk… not yet.”

She shrugged.

“That’s okay. We can just stand here,” Michelle said.

She was whispering by that time. She knew that trying to speak was going to end up in her breaking into tears and she didn’t want that to happen. She knew that he was going through a sh*t storm. She had to be the strong one. She was not going to appear weak.