Being Harrison Bloom’s Girl

“Because it would be public, and it would be irrevocable, as an engagement is meant to be!”

Harrison’s face hardened, and Leigh’s heart trembled.

This was going wrong.

It was all going wrong. She should never have come. It had all been a huge mistake.

“So, you want to be able to revoke it, Leigh? Is this a game to you? Because I assure you, I’ve been serious all along – deadly serious. I made a commitment to you when I told you that I loved you. I chose to deal with all problems that might arise from it, and I knew there would be problems. I knew there would be a lot of work to do, trying to convince Martha and Samuel that this wasn’t wrong. I knew there would be intrusions from the press, and that tabloids would have a field day. I even knew that you would find life difficult in that more public life, because you haven’t been used to it. I thought you would deal with it because this mattered to you. Because you loved me. I didn’t realize that your love was revocable.”

Leigh shook her head frantically. This was really going wrong.

“You don’t understand, Harrison! It’s just a lot to have hanging over my head. You don’t know what it’s like to be recognized as your girlfriend first, and be judged for it before I can present myself on my merits. I can never escape preconceived notions about myself because I am known as your girlfriend. If we get engaged, that will blow up. I will never be able to stand or fall on my merits. Some will want to know me because I’m your fiancé. Some will never take me seriously because I am. Either way, it will change perceptions of me, when I really need to make my own name. I can’t do that if I’m engaged to you.”

But Harrison didn’t soften. In vain, Leigh looked for anything to show that he understood why this was important to her. But there was nothing. He looked so cold and remote that Leigh tugged the sheet tighter around herself.

“So, I’m an impediment to your plans,” said Harrison, and the velvety softness of his voice was a warning.

Leigh heard it, and her heart fluttered.

Was there no way out of this?

“Harrison, please…”

“What about after you graduate, Leigh? When will you deem yourself ready to be a part of my life? When will who I am stop being a problem for you?”

Leigh shook her head again.

“Harrison, please, you’re distorting this. That’s not what I meant. I just meant…”

“I know exactly what you meant,” said Harrison, cutting her off, his voice whip sharp enough to make her flinch.

“Harrison…”

“No, Leigh. I believe I’ve had enough of this. If I’m a problem to you, then I’m sorry. But that will not change. If you’re a part of my life, then I will be a part of your identity. If you find that too difficult to navigate, then we can go nowhere. None of this can go anywhere.”

Leigh shook her head again, in denial of what she was hearing. This could not be true.

This could not be happening.

She had driven there, in the middle of the night, because she needed him. He had needed her, too. They loved each other.

But now, Harrison looked as if that love had died and turned to ashes. He looked at her with something close to contempt, and Leigh could feel her heart beginning to break.

This couldn’t be happening, she told herself again, but she knew it was. It was all too real.

“I think you were right, Leigh. I think we do need a break from each other.”

The finality in his words and his voice told Leigh the real truth – he wanted that break to be permanent, because he was closing his heart to her.

“Harrison, please, just give me some time to find my feet. That’s all I’m asking. All of this has been a huge change for me. I just need to find my balance before trying to balance more. That’s all I’m asking from you.”

Harrison nodded.

“I do understand, Leigh. That’s why the break, that you suggested, is a good idea. I didn’t see it then, but now I do. I, too, need some time to evaluate where this is going, and how much I can invest in a revocable commitment.”

Leigh’s lips trembled, and she knew the tears would come soon. She managed to hold them off, ruthlessly cutting them off, and made sure that her voice was steady.

But her fingers tightened until the blood seemed to leave her knuckles, and her nails dug into the palms of her hands. Later, she would find the small half-moon marks, with the broken skin, but at that moment, Leigh didn’t even feel that hurt.

All she knew was that she had to hold on, somehow, and not break down, even if she felt like her world was crumbling.

“I don’t mean that it’s a revocable commitment, Harrison. You know I don’t. I know I’ve hurt you, but I’m not saying no. Or that I’ll never say yes. I’m guaranteeing you that I will say yes, but after I find my balance. I feel like I’m juggling so much already. I’m just beginning to get the hang of it. Everything will tilt and shift if something so big changes.”

Harrison nodded.

“I’m agreeing with you, Leigh, and apparently that doesn’t make you happy, either. That makes me wonder if there’s any way I can get it right at all. If everything I say or do makes you unhappy, what’s the point of it at all?”

Leigh squeezed her eyes shut, telling herself, fiercely, that she would not cry. She would not.

She would not let this be the end.

“I know you. I know how you feel about commitments. I know how you feel about what you consider giving ground. I don’t want you to see this as a business negotiation. Harrison, I love you. Can’t you see that? I love you!”

Harrison nodded.

“I know. You’ve told me that before. You love me. But you need a break from me.”

“I just need…”

Leigh trailed off, knowing that there was no point. She wouldn’t be able to find the words to make him understand, because he didn’t want to understand. Harrison was bullheaded. She had always known that, of course.

They had butted heads often growing up, even if they’d gotten along so well.

“I can’t explain any better. You’re right. We do need a break. I’ve made you unhappy. I never meant to do that, Harrison. I never meant to give you anything but happiness. Maybe with some distance, we can get past the resentment.”

Harrison nodded again, politely.

Oh, so politely. Leigh knew that her chance of reaching him had slipped away.

She was losing him.

“I’m sure we can try. Now, Leigh, I’m sure you’ll need to get up early and go back to campus. I’ll sleep in the guest room. Good night.”

Leigh could only watch as he got up and walked away, still completely at ease with his nakedness. Leigh could only watch, knowing he might be walking away from her.