A Fresh Start

Finally, he came to the conclusion that seemed inevitable. Grace was right. He had been a fool. He had thought he was being smart, and sensible. But he had only been a fool.

Now he wasn’t sure if he could put it right.

As he sat there, for a long time, trying to put things into perspective, he found that he could only see the look on Grace’s face as she had walked away. She had looked shattered.

Had he just destroyed his future by trying to protect himself?

He was beginning to get the unsettling feeling that he might have ruined something good before it had truly begun.

*****

Grace let the tears come, finally. What could she do? How could she protect herself? She had let herself be suckered in. It hadn’t been his fault. She couldn’t fault him for what he had done. He had wanted to be safe, and he’d done what he’d thought was necessary.

But she couldn’t forgive him for being willfully blind to what she felt. He had known it. She knew that he had known it. But he had chosen to ignore it, and he had tried to avoid culpability.

All for what? Because he had had his heart broken once when he was twenty-two? Everybody got their hearts broken at some point of time or the other. That didn’t mean that you walled yourself in, giving up all joy in life because you were afraid of getting hurt. What kind of living was that?

No, she was better off without that kind of halfhearted love.

But even through her angry, raging storm of tears, Grace couldn’t help but acknowledge that the biggest part of her hurt for him and everything he had chosen to lose. She hurt for him, and for what he had gone through.

She hurt for him, because he was giving up on the most joyous part of life out of sheer cowardice.

But you can’t make anybody love you. You have to let them feel, and if they don’t feel what you need, well, then you needed to move on.

Except, Grace was contractually obliged not to do that. What was she supposed to do now?

What could she do but go on. For the rest of the trip, Grace kept to herself except when she had to be with him. She lost weight as she avoided meals. She lost her interest in all the wonderful places where she found herself.

Grace slowly became an echo of the bright, cheerful person she had always been, and Alan watched as the light in her began to dim.

As the days passed, Alan began to worry. He had tried to protect himself, and he had ended up hurting somebody who hadn’t deserved it in any way.

Grace didn’t try to persuade him that he was wrong. She didn’t even try to blame him. She simply fulfilled the terms of the contract they had signed.

Alan was beginning to despise that contract and everything it stood for. She fulfilled it, to the last letter, and he began to realize that what he had enjoyed more than anything was just her – just Grace.

On the last day of their European tour, they found themselves in Cologne. It was supposed to be a small, more intimate event this time. He was glad. So was Grace.

Grace was exhausted. She couldn’t imagine doing this again. She had done it well, by all accounts. His book sales were excellent. The press loved her. His fans had accepted her.

But it was all a farce, and it was beginning to weigh on her depressingly. She wanted to be home. She wanted to be with Violet.

All the money and all the perks couldn’t help, she realized, when her heart was broken. At least she had a heart to be broken. Alan didn’t seem to have one at all.

Before the event, she found herself walking into the little room where Alan was doing pre-signed copies. She stopped short and was hit by a wave of déjà vu. She had helped do that once. All of this had stemmed from that day.

She’d been so excited. It had been the happiest day of her life, or so she’d thought, and then he had asked her to marry him.

Alan looked up and saw Grace, her eyes shining with tears, and the pen dropped from his hand.

“Grace,” he whispered, and in that moment, he felt her pain as his. Because it was his pain. He had caused it, and he felt it.

But he didn’t just feel it for Grace. He felt it for himself, too.

He wanted his Grace back, he realized. He was done playing it safe. He wanted her back – vibrant, mischievous, compassionate, funny, intelligent, creative Grace. His Grace.

Grace heard her name and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down her face.

She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t keep doing it. Contract be damned, she couldn’t keep on seeing him every day, and wanting him every day, without being completely shattered one day.

“I can’t do this,” she gasped, and the pain she felt nearly overwhelmed her.

“Grace,” whispered Alan, and the word was a plea.

“Alan, I can’t do this. I don’t know what you want from me, but I can’t do this. I can’t keep seeing you and going on like this.”

Alan stood up and asked the only thing he could think of.

“Do you want a divorce?”

As soon as the words were out, he knew it had been the wrong thing to say. Grace turned and walked away, and he was suddenly afraid that she had walked out of his life.

He went after her and knocked on her door, many times. But for once, Grace didn’t open it, because Grace was packing.

The next day, he found that she was gone, and she had taken his heart with her.